Balls Deep

Superbowl number something-or-other airs tomorrow, and I guess I’ll be the person to finally say what everyone else has been too afraid to say for years: Football is boring. Instead of supporting hours of commercial breaks with 5 second sports plays spliced between, I’d like to offer the a better alternative: UNDERWATER FOOTBALL: literally the most chaotic thing I’ve seen other than the crypto market and coverage of professional Counterstrike tournaments.

Underwater football takes everything you “love” about football and makes it better, and fixes all the stuff about football that sucks:

1. Less teams – less to keep track of. Stats nerds rejoice!
2. Men in even tighter shorts – extra epic congratulatory butt slaps (way to go, slugger)
3. Risk of drowning – this makes all sports better in my opinion
4. Regular football is only played in 2 dimensions – this is boring when Underwater Football adds AN ENTIRE EXTRA DIMENSION
5. Short matches – thanks for not wasting hours of my life! 45 minute games vs an average of over 3 hours per game [1]
6. It’s so brutal it used to be played with a brick, and there had to make rules against strangleholds:

“Examples of rough play are elbowing, kneeing, kicking, charging, strangle holds, or tackles above the shoulders.” [2]

Let’s compare:
Here’s a video of the pure chaos that is Underwater Football:

Here’s a video of the absolute boredom of regular Football:

And college football? Get back to your studies, kids.

The downside is it’s all in Canada and as a proud patriot I cannot abide by this. We need to bring Underwater Football to the good ol’ US of A.

This concludes my dissertation on why underwater football is better than boring old regular football. I think it makes a great point for the need to add a risk of drowning to literally every sport.

Of course, this is just my (correct) opinion, but feel free to leave counter-arguments in the comments. I won’t be reading or replying because The Big Game is on and I ain’t got time for that when I’m sportsballs deep in nachos and mini corndogs in the back of by truck.

[1] https://www.mirror.co.uk/sport/other-sports/american-sports/how-long-nfl-game-american-13626956
[2] http://www.underwaterfootball.com/the_official_rules.html

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