I've not shared all that much here on Steemit since I've been here... About me.. Oh, I've shared/resteemed a lot of cool posts but, not much about myself, or my perspective(s) on different things. And, I need to change that. So, I'm starting with this post....
The 26th of January marked One year and 8 months since my partner, wife of 24 years and 2 days, and all time best friend passed. I gotta say, there have been some pretty difficult times - some really tough moments... Sometimes, a lot of them... But I've been doing really well for quite a while.
Last week, I was chatting with a group of friends and we had an AAA chat – where we all agreed that we could Ask Anyone Anything. Quite fun, actually... And during the chat, a friend asked me: “So Randy, what have been your greatest moments since the challenge of accepting Cathy passing?” I remember thinking, mannn, that's a tough question to look at... But, it reminded me of the process I've walked since Cathy's passing, and I want to share a little part of it here...
One day – I don't remember how long it had been at the time – months – maybe close to a year... I was in one of those periods of that Overwhelming Sadness... I mean, I was having one of those Big cries – where your whole body is into the cry... And, in a moment of awareness, I said STOP – Out Loud & Loud – to myself. And basically, said to and asked myself: Wait a minute. What was it that Triggered all this emotion – this Reaction? And I started looking at that – reviewing.. What was going on? - What was I doing? - What did I see? - that made me So SAD? I had been going through some old pictures and, I figured out that it was this one picture (which I can't find at the moment) – of Cathy standing next to the kitchen counter with two of our grand-kids, Logan to her right and Emmeline to her left, turned toward and talking to Logan, who was just as tall as she was at the time, with Emmeline at her back, obviously wanting to tell her Nanna something... And in that moment, I looked at and realized that it wasn't THAT picture that made me so sad. After all, the memory of that day was a Good memory.... It was a really great day. The kids and grand-kids had come over. We had played games and had a good dinner. It just didn't get any better than that kind of day... So, it wasn't THAT image. It was the fact that I was never going to see another one Like it... It was things that I/we was/were going to MISS. So, I had to look at this some more... And I came to a realization...
You know how, if you've got something planned, how you can – in an instant – imagine yourself There? For example: If you're planning to go out to dinner to your favorite restaurant... You can think about it for a moment, and in that moment, you see a picture in your mind – your imagination – of yourself already there. From the waiters' and waitresses' uniforms, the tablecloth and napkins, the pictures on the walls, and oh, the smells, even your favorite meal sitting in front of you... In an instant, you see that image in your mind – your imagination... And we even create some emotional energy within our minds – an emotional attachment to that image – because it's based on Real memories and experiences and how those made us Feel, or how we Felt, at the time. But, we're basically projecting ourselves into the future...
Well, I realized that that's what I had done... Only, the images my mind had created within my imagination weren't going to happen... Couldn't happen... Because she's not Here anymore... Within that moment, of looking at that picture, I had also seen, within my imagination, these images of Cathy standing at the counter – same/similar scene – with different grand-kids – it was an older Emmeline and her baby brother Everyn, or Logan's younger brother, Landon and Everyn, trying to garner their Nanna's attention. These were scenes I was going to Miss... WE were going to Miss... And, in my mind I had already created an emotion attachment TO those scenes, because there is/was an emotional attachment to the real scenes/memories that my imagination had used to Create those imaginary future scenes... This is what had brought on this overwhelming sadness...
So, as I looked at this imaginary future timeline that my mind had automatically created for me, I realized that so much of the sadness I had been experiencing was due to the fact that I was going to MISS events and things that I had IMAGINED Might happen - future events that may, or may not have Ever happened, in reality – that were based on memories of events and things that actually Did happen. And, that I had created an emotional attachment To those events and things that only existed in my own imagination. So, what did this really mean? It meant that this Overwhelming Sadness was oftentimes over things that weren't REAL.
Now, if you look at it that way, then it doesn't make sense to be overwhelmed with sadness over anything/something that isn't real. So, I immediately did some self-forgiveness. In a nutshell, I forgave myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an imaginary timeline for the future, and creating an emotional attachment to events and things that only exist within my own imagination. And I committed myself to, whenever I felt this Sadness coming up inside me, to stop my thoughts, breathe, and look at what is triggering the sadness, and to choose Not to be sad over anything that isn't Real – anything that had not actually happened - since it doesn't make sense to be Sad over not experiencing something that may or may not ever happen in the future in the first place... And, in that moment, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted...
Certainly, I've had sad moments since that day... Quite a few... But, not over anything that wasn't real... And, what a difference it has made in my grieving process. This realization coupled with living Gratefulness – Gratitude – for the Gift that our relationship Was, as well as for the many Gifts within the relationship over the years, have had a tremendous impact in how I have faced – and embraced – Grief. I'd have to say that it's been liberating....
Oh, for those that wondered how I answered the question in the AAA chat referenced earlier. I said: “...probably being able to Stop my mind while in moments of overwhelming sadness to look at what triggered it.... and realizing that so much of the sadness was related to things that I/we would "miss" - the imaginary timeline the mind creates for our future - things that may or may not have ever happened....”
For any of you that have experienced the loss of a loved one, can you relate to any of this? Does any of this “ring true” when you're looking at moments of Overwhelming Sadness within Your grieving process? If it's something you'd like to discuss further, here's an opportunity for you to share Your perspective...
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Thanks for reading...
