The following is about to get really fucking real. You might want a coffee or joint.. This might get long. I wanted to share this with the world because maybe somebody can find something in it that changes their life..
When I was 10 years old I drank a beer, smoked a joint, did a line of cocaine, and so began my journey of pure darkness. I spent the next 15 years of my life as a lying, cheating, stealing, manipulative cock sucking "literally" piece of shit alcoholic drug addict. I have done many people wrong, in so many different terrible fucking ways that I should be friendless, manless, and probably dead.
There are many of my friends that are going to read this that have suffered through my hellish behaviors and dimenor. Yet, through compassion, friendship, and love, you discovered forgiveness and remained friends with me.
Maybe one day you knew the real me would appear? Maybe you saw this person in me that I couldn't find? Perhaps you thought all my mistakes and troubles that took me there would fade and a man would emerge from the darkness and finally become who he is supposed to be. One capable of love in all it's glory.
After everything I have done to you, you have all remained by my side.
This message is really for you.
Up until May 1st 2013, when I took my last drink, snorted my last line of cocaine, and did every other drug I had left I had never been in love with anyone, truly, but myself. I mean truly loved anyone. Ever. I was 27 years old.
My first introduction to a relationship was through my mother's relationships. My family suffered endless beatings and terrible fights and awful things that no one, let alone a child, should ever go through at the hands of a grown man or there own mom. I was raised in the worst environment for any child. Thus, it broke me and made me incapable of opening up to anyone, let alone myself, for many many years.
In January 2015 I met a man. That man made every beautiful chemical reaction in my brain pop off like the A Bomb Robert Oppenheimer invented and within an instant I fell in love for the first time. For the first time in my life I actually felt love and boy is it fucking awesome!
I knew immediately I'd spend the rest of my life with him. On September 9th 2015 I joined our families together and bound my soul to his forever. It was amazing. We did it on top of a mountain in the presence of his god and mine, and of course our dog, Koda.
Under the most beautiful gigantic 200 year old oak tree I read my vows to the only man I've ever loved and swore I'd stand by him, his kids, and stay with him for the rest of my life, no matter what fucking happened.
Everyone is going to disappoint or hurt you at some point in your life. I am living proof of that. To the ones I've hurt that have forgiven me and remained in my life; you are proof that some people deserve a chance to make things right, that we deserve forgiveness, that love can prevail and we can forgive and forget.
I've hurt one of you so bad at some point that you had no reason to ever talk to me again. There is good and there is bad in every one of us, including my Husband. What he did to me is unforgivable, sure, but what I've done to some of you is unforgivable as well. If we never forgave anyone for anything they did to us then we would all be friendless, loveless, and Die..alone.. Fuck that.
I have spent the last 4 months of my life alone, grieving over something I couldn't prevent that the love of my life did to me. I've cried daily and barely survived sobriety. I had a mental breakdown and I'm tired of being alone when the man I desire is right here.
Just as you have for me, I have forgiven this man and have welcomed him back into my life. This is what I want! & that is why someone can forgive someone and still love them for doing something so fucked up when god knows his actions were unforgivable.
It's because you've shown me love, forgiveness and support all these years that I'm able to forgive and forget too. I'm in love with Shane Redone, and I'm tired of not being with him. Fuck the past and fuck everything lost in the burn. Objects hold no value to me over the vow I swore and the love I have for him and our children.
I appreciate all of my friends reaching out to me today. You're incredible human beings and I never deserved to have such wonderful friends.. Ever.. But somehow.. I do.
I love you all, truly I do.
Your friend, always
