I don't write that much anymore because of work, school (Yes, I'm actually taking classes now on top of my already very busy schedule), home life, passion projects here and there, everyday responsibilities, and basically just things that could potentially provide a sense of meaning in my life. We all strive that don't we? Or is it just me?
I have thought that maybe this is just a consequence of my overthinking, a consequence for the many times in a week I refuse to go out of my claustrophobic comfort zones and bathe in the sun or surround myself with people, a consequence for not spending more time with my dogs, a consequence for the many times I let my thoughts wander in the middle at 2 am in the morning when everyone I love is already asleep. I admit to be doing that a lot, and I admit that it's one of the precursors of my melancholic states.
Sometimes in the middle of my thought loops, I hear voices from my loved ones telling me "Okay ra na"(It's okay), "Kalimti ra na"(Just forget about it), "Just be happy", "Just don't think about it", "Kuwang ra nag tagay" (You only need a drink), "Kuwang ra kag pag-ampo" (You just lack prayer that's all). Funny thing about that last one, most people think I've already abandoned my faith, but if I may say so, I think these days are by far, the most I have clung to it in all my life.
I mean I don't do the rosary anymore, or address the Lord as if he is some high ranking awarded official with honorariums in my prayers of which I am supposed to "mince my words". Sometimes I even get angry at this Divine being or express my grief at the world or express disappointment at how much all of us are preconditioned to self-sabotage ourselves-- Yes. You, me and the people we love.
I guess this is what the lyric of a worship song meant by "Break my heart for what breaks yours" because I could only imagine the amount of sorrow that would be felt for the Father of the world towards all his lost children down below waging wars, all his children driven mad by loneliness and confusion, destroying the planet and getting drunk on every vice humanity has invented since the beginning of time. If it's enough to put a sensitive nobody like me to her knees in the middle of the night, I could only imagine what it would feel like for the author of unconditional love Himself.
So I wake up one day, and just keep going... without any expectations or high-falutin goals. Just three small goals in my to-do list each day. Four, if I'm in a good mood:
I even bought a new planner for this
Spending more time in the sun, taking up time to do what I feel like is the most valueless, least income-generating task in the world -- cleaning up after myself, doing chores, sweeping my room, doing laundry, spending more time with my dogs, taking each opportunity to have coffee with a friend, and spending more time here:
and here:
I guess this is what people mean by taking things one day at a time.
Roxanne Marie is the twenty-year-old something who calls herself the Protean Creator.
She is a chemical engineer by profession, pole-dancer and blogger by passion and frustration, and lastly, a life enthusiast. She is on a mission to rediscover her truth through the messy iterative process of learning, relearning and unlearning. Currently, she works as a science and research instructor in her hometown, Tagbilaran City, all the while documenting her misadventures, reflections and shenanigans as a working-class millennial here on Hive.
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