In my previous post, I told you about my writing hiatus, and how it was due to a lot of factors that I needed to take care of like, my dad finding himself let go from his position in Hiroshima (He was an OFW), and then suddenly, after almost two decades, he suddenly will be staying at home on a regular basis for a long time, which threatened a lot of emotional wounds that were left unattended for a really long time to open up.
My family and I had to navigate the financial aspect, and since I was suddenly the only person at that time in my family with a regular-paying, sustaining job, (and of course,) since I was the eldest and only female sibling in an Asian household, there was no other choice but to play the role.
At that time, I was recovering from a previous break-up, which later on confirmed a betrayal during the relationship, snowballing into a deep chasm filled with one personal issue on top of another, all while thinking of how to sustain my family, and how to be sane while living under the same roof as them and all of our issues.
Why Roxanne, are you so crass about writing all this down?
Because underneath all the pretty pictures of people you see on social media, and people trying to convince you or sell you stuff, I just feel like people need a reality-check on the messiness of life, even on this corner of the internet.
If someone hasn’t told you lately, you are not being punished— you are not cursed. No one is rooting for your downfall. Life is just hard, and it makes people treat each other like monsters, and that's why it's important to take a step back because it’s also beautiful at the same time if you let it.
A sustainable part-time online job, ministry work, and several sleepless nights later— our principal confirms that the department where I was under, was going to be transferred to Cabawan— a government building, right in the middle of nowhere, 20 kilometers or 50-70 minutes away from its previous location.
Relocating to Cabawan meant I could no longer enjoy the little privileges of working so close to my house.
By this time, my dad got hired by a British company in Manila, so I felt a bit secure as I said goodbye to the part-time online writing position I held.
Why? Because the new school building was just that-- a building. There is no proper road. It was far away from civilization and well… proper food stalls. Regular electricity, water, and data signal was quite difficult to come by— and all the more WiFi, and air-conditioning. And because there weren't any stable stream of these in the new school location, I could no longer sustain my part-time job.
Of course not.
Did we deserve it?
The parents, teachers, admins, students, and all the netizens of Facebook both for and against the current city administration, most certainly do not think so.
Even as I’m still writing this, the backlash is still ongoing, and people are still protesting as they should.
Even though it was not the most ideal of all situations, my time in that wilderness was the most productive I’ve ever been, and it was not because I had as abundant resources as I did before the school relocated-- it was because I made a conscious decision to will it that way. I could have easily viewed that time through the oppression lens and all the more with the lines I hear so often being echoed in social media:
“You deserve what you tolerate.”
“Go where you are appreciated.”
“Life’s too short to not be happy.”
...and I get it. All these pretty one-liners have been sourced from a place of well-meaning that necessitates action, and many times, other people might have been helped by these timely reminders. But then, there are people like me with so much anxiety in their bones, and with brains who are sure to overthink every little subliminal thoughts or messages the moment they present themselves.
The sad thing about it is, sometimes it can be used as a starting point for an eventual cycle of shame. Like in my case, it was very easy to take these out of context and judge the situation I was in, which at some level, was a situation that I chose, and then condemn myself for it:
"Maybe I am here because I chose this route”
“Maybe I’m here because I’m being punished”
“Maybe I’m here because I don’t deserve to be happy”
and the spiral goes on.
Not only was I judging where I was, I was also judging myself for staying in a frustrating situation even though at that time, it was one of the very few choices that was the next best thing for my family and I.
Personally, now looking back at it, that time I was in Cabawan wasn't so bad and it made me gain a wider perspective on life. For instance:
Because the data signal in Cabawan was so scarce and WiFi was non-existent, I literally have to climb up the 2nd or 3rd floor of school buildings to chance a good signal. Along the way, I decided to prioritize other things and optimize any slight chance of gaining a good signal to do important things.
That period made me realize the damage caused by scrolling mindlessly and aimlessly on social media when it could have been spent better.
Even as someone who writes regularly on my socials, posting content, words, and opinions at this age can be done at a pace so rapid, that our minds (and somehow our souls) can’t even keep up.
It personally did a lot of good, because I actually felt the least anxious and the most present (and healthy) during that time, and I bet all the more when it came to my Gen Z students, who were younger, and all the more vulnerable with still developing prefrontal cortexes. I guess it’s time we keep reminding ourselves that life does not end where time on the internet does.
I could attest to this as I'm currently reading The Anxious Generation by social psychologist Jonathan Haidt. I might expound on these in one of my next blog posts to come.
Because I had a lot of time (and headspace) freed from being unplugged from the internet, I became more intentional with my relationships at work, especially with my students. This is where the internal transition started— I became more invested to be a better teacher to them because of it, especially to my STEM students.
The scenario was much more different now than when I started wherein I would be consistently advised against going beyond what is asked and just ‘work like my paycheck’ like everyone else.
But I realized in my apparent last semester of teaching, that if I have to be a counter-cultural and rebellious force in some shape or form in society, I would rather want to choose this area— I will be as invested so long as 5% of any of the students that I teach are.
With this rule of thumb, I was able to gain a good reputation among my students and co-workers so much, that they would recommend me to their other peers enrolled in other schools for academic consultation.
One thing I found a double-edged sword about Cabawan was that it was very close to nature— and so so far from the urban comforts.
That’s why for a lot of things, we had to make do with so little. While it’s annoying to have to travel 5-10 km to the nearest food place with good ventilation and mid-tier quality food, it almost always forces people to work together and coordinate. Along the way, people get to experience a lot of bloopers together— which opens up space for a lot of creativity and memories.
But probably my most favorite memories at Cabawan was looking at the school during golden hour right after 5:00 PM. It was probably the sound of forest animals, or the sun beams passing through the trees, either way, it was as if it was there to congratulate me for making it through another day.
I guess you could say that I may have found my version of zen during my time in Cabawan, but in all honesty, I could not have done it without an essential puzzle piece during that time-- community.
Just so you know, I have never thought of myself as someone religious, nor do I want this write-up to want to seem to do or promote any type of dogma or religion.
But what helped significantly to my realization of all these things, was being part of a community, and my case it was being very active and pro-active in a church.
I guess spending time with these people who honestly are just as ordinary and broken, and human as I am, but have an extraordinary desire to be better at being present, to give a little more than they take, to be fountains instead of drains, it kind of rubs off.
It made me rethink and reevaluate the values that I held (that strangely I realized weren’t mine, but were just beliefs echoed from different areas of my life, especially where I spent the most of my time--- the internet).
This includes the one that is being held too tightly by too many of my generation— individualism. I realized that while church values can be a bit outdated, there are some ancient pieces of wisdom that hold timeless and valid to this day.
If I haven’t gone through that season of hiddenness, I would not been able to realize any of that. I would not have been able to attain this much clarity on what I wanted to do, on what I think is worth wanting, and I wouldn’t be as free and fulfilled as I am right now.
Wherever you are, I hope you can find this version of zen in your life as well, and I hope that you find people who you can help you appreciate the see the beauty of life, no matter how taxing it gets.
Next write-up, I'm going to talk about a line I have been repeating again and again:
Rooting for a freer and more hopeful version of you from this side of the internet,
Roxanne 💛
Roxanne Marie is a twenty-year-old something who calls herself the Protean Creator.
She has a background in chemical engineering, worked as a public school teacher, and currently, retrying her luck as a blogger with passion and frustration, and lastly, a life enthusiast. She loves open discourse, witty musings, discussions about abstract and tangible ideas, and any opportunity where she can insert memes into the conversation. She is doing her best to walk the way of love.
She is on a mission to rediscover her truth through the messy iterative process of learning, relearning and unlearning, and openly discusses the ideas and thoughts that are born from her experiences here on Hive.
Currently, she is taking her Masters in UP Los Banos, Laguna, all the while documenting her misadventures, misfortunes, pagka-hugotera, reflections and shenanigans as a working-class millennial.
If you like her content, don't forget to upvote and leave a comment to show some love. It would be an honor to have this post reblogged as well. Also, don't forget to follow her to be updated with her latest posts, and catch her next intellectual (and most of the time, untethered) rants.
