I'm out of things to make me happy, to distract me, to engage me, to occupy my focus so that the sadness isn't felt as much. I still have things I can think of that I have yet to do that might make me happy, but life is increasingly feeling like I'm just searching for the next feel good thing. Even something like enjoying a good meal, exercise, socialization, learning, things that are good for you, it feels like I'm only doing them because I don't want to do nothing. Life doesn't feel worth living anymore. It seems as though I enjoy life less every year. One of the few things keeping me going and hopeful is the prospect of one day having kids, raising them, creating a family that works unlike the one I was born into. I have a great desire in me to have a son and to help him be the kind of man I could've been. I like to think I have at least a fair understanding of how the events of my life have shaped me and limited my potential. It's because of this that I feel confident I can be a good father, definitely better than mine at least. But even raising a family feels like maybe it's just a long winded attempt to justify my existence, almost like the ultimate hobby, just another distraction. Maybe I'm just overthinking things.
