LOVE
Who I want to be is the lady who loves you, who laughs with you, who says I will pray for you with a smile and a wink. Someone who you KNOW is sincere even though you do not believe what I believe. Someone who you know loves you no matter what.
I want to be the evangelist in the bar.
I want to be the Christian filmmaker in Hollywood.
I want to be the smiling, cheerful disapproving mother who is always there to help, support, pray and LOVE.
I want to be the Christian at a Comedy Central Roast.
I want to be the wife who forgives and forgets over and over again, the wife who loves you and provides you with an atmosphere of love so that you can live, breath and grow in your own time.
I want to be Mother Theresa who was full of love for all, not just those who believed what she believed.
I want to be the Grandma who frowns and tsk, tsks while passing you another brownie and telling you how lovely you look with your hair pulled back.
I want to be just like Jesus, the way He truly is not how we’ve made Him out to be.
I want to have a heated debate with an atheist and afterwards invite her to have coffee, dessert and some laughs with me.
I want to be the neighbor who brings you a cheesecake every Saturday afternoon even though you secretly don’t like cheesecake.
I want to love myself, allow myself to live. Allow myself to have my ups and downs, failures, mistakes and successes. I want to stop feeling guilty because of the way I look, the way I dress, the way I talk. I want to get rid of the suspicion that others don’t like me. I want to stop worrying about what other people think of me and start being me, the real me.
I want to be the Mom who is so busy loving you that worry doesn’t have a chance to enter her mind.
I want to laugh with you, pray for you, and trust God for your soul. Trust GOD for your soul, I have nothing to do with it.
FEAR
In order to be what I want to be I need to start with my insecurities, my fears. Fear is my greatest sin and fear is holding me back from fully loving.
Fear keeps me from disciplining my children fully and consistently. Will they rebel against me? More importantly will they rebel against Jesus? I fear that I will be the reason my children reject Christ.
Fear keeps me from living the truth; living my life fully for Jesus. Fear that I just don’t understand the scriptures well enough to live for Jesus, what if I interpreted something wrong, what if I give some incorrect advice, what if the way I live my life is not the right way? How can I represent Jesus when I’ll never be good enough? What if I never understand what good enough is?
Fear, my fear, keeps my husband down. How can I let him breath when I worry so much?
Fear of lost time keeps me from acting because I’m always trying to catch up with what the world tells me I should be doing.
Fear keeps me from showing you who I really am; my thoughts, my dreams, my goals, my life. I fear losing the love of those who are dearest to me and burning bridges with those I don’t yet know.
Fear of debt keeps me from giving to the hurting and starving world more freely.
Fear keeps me from reaching out to others. Fear that I am not good enough for you. Fear that I am too loud for you. Fear that I am too dumb for you. Fear that I am too rude. Fear that I am too honest. Fear that I am not honest enough. Fear that you’ll think I’m a prude. Fear that you will find out that I’m really not. Fear that my example will lead you away from Christ.
All this fear and none of it is the fear of God.