Truth time! Emotional roller coaster. (Part 2)

2021 had a rough start.

Not only for me but for many among us! Covid still dominates the whole world and there are still people dying in aweful circumstances! This is my blog series about this road! Everything I write is from my eyes and my eyes only! I am no expert. I write this to share what mental health issues can do to every single person when the world is facing a pandemic!

Lockdown!

I ended my last post with the words: And then...Lockdown time!
I think we were one of the last countries who went into a lockdown! I had heard and seen a lot about it and from the first moment, I realized that it was needed. BUT at first I kinda also freaked out! Because I freaked out I heard stuff wrong and I thought we had to stay in all the time and could only go outside for shopping or doctor.

Lucky we were still allowed to take walks or be outside! BUT... Oh yes there is a but in my case.... It triggered my fear of not being able to go outside! What? For someone who struggled to go outside for 10 years, this was really weird for me. In therapy, I had to go out every single day! Sometimes for a small walk and sometimes a bigger one. Alone or with my partner or someone else. So being outside became part of my daily routine. The first lockdown was not that bad. The last one however..... It became very stressful for me.

I took me 4 years to be able to go into a shop and be calm enough to spend lets say 15 minutes inside to do some shopping. I mostly went to grocery stores because I online shop for my clothes. They asked us to go inside a shop alone! There came the trouble because I was not able to shop alone yet. We were still working on this and when we did the groceries, I always did it together with my partner. I am not one to break the rules, so my partner went in alone after that and my shopping came to a full stop. I did try to be alone inside the shop but I panicked and was not able to pay for my stuff. Yes, I ran outside. I am not ashamed of that btw, its all part of my progress and one day it will all come back.

Right now, shopping is no fun at all, not for me and not for others. I gave up! Just for now though. I know that I am strong enough to pick up where I left. When outside it still feels rather weird for me. People keeping their distance which would be a dream come true for me 10 years ago. Now, it feels like the world is falling apart! I always though I was not a people person but turns out I miss it a lot! Being able to hug my friends, to shake hands, to be close... It feels weird and it messes with my head because my fight was to do all these things without fear.

To me, it feels like the world is upside down! I had to face all these things, get used to them, accept them and now its been taken away from me. So, I turned into a pouting little bugger! Just kidding, I am still happy but I do struggle more these days. I learned that my behavior of avoiding going outside, avoid connecting with people was wrong! Very wrong because it isolated me and here we are..... Everything I was taught that was wrong is in full action. My brain just can't handle it! I cry more, I have anxiety attacks daily again, I feel depressed at days. I want so much but am forced to a halt! At least for now.

I see how all these things are needed, I understand the why and how but that does not change the fact that my brain is not working with me! I don't fear falling back though. I know I am strong enough to pick everything back up but it's still a daily struggle for me. One I had hoped to leave behind.

Many things have changed. In my next post in this series, I will touch on face masks and what they do to me! The one after that will be about the curfue we have going right now!