I screwed up so many times with you.
I've been trying to create my perfect world, by trying to fit in anyone else's. I was the one eagerly eading books trying to understand the difference between men and women, how we could best talk to eachother, how to understand yourself better, , why are we on earth, how to flirt with more ease, how to make a relationship work. Any relationship. While I was caught up working on my people skills, I didn't realize that I didn't take care of what I wanted for me. I was constantly conflicting my need with those of other people. Don't get me wrong, nobody forced me to do anything. I only forced myself to step away more and more from myself.
I remember when I met you, I fell in love instantly. You were somewhat mysterious, we looked at eachother over the room. The placed packed with students. I was loud (am loud), ADHD'd, running around doing what was expected. You were a bit older. I asked a friend who could tell me more about you what she thought about you.
This was my tactic, when I liked someone, I would asses the situation, flirt a bit, get some info, find out who your friends are and that way I could get easily access to you. In high school this worked perfectly. This time? Not so much. My friend told me you were not a really kind person. And it threw me off.
My feelings for you were strong, and that didn't make any sense either, it scared the shit out of me. "When my friend says I should stay away, I should, right?" You were a smooth talker, but I could never believe you. Since I couldn't see the underlying message. A few months passed, a few guys, a few conquests.
I had set my opinion on you and every move we made you and I were one step behind. And all because I couldn't think for myself. We tried to be together a few times after that, somehow I couldn't let go that easily. In my mind you were elusive, uncatchable, superficial and still I wanted to be a part of it.
I can fall in love with a man, a study, a house for a few weeks, turn around 180 degrees, fall in love with another man, study, house. Why? Because I never operated from within. When I think back on my youth it was like this:
What I loved was singing, designing, creating weird plans, having conversations with people about their lives, dancing, creating my own photoshoots with friends, , I loved Anime series with funny characters with superpowers and the Sims, Crazy taxi, Tekken. I could spend days on the computer, wore funny oversided clothes and sang even when walking through school. When I got to middle school things changed, I got critized and judged and I found myself finding my selfworth in men; Relationships, getting married. That was the only dream and a dangerous pattern I developed. Almost 5 years later an I just found this out. I didn't do too much for me, because that was considered weird or bad and I was more interested in what my friends and family wanted for me so I did.
What did when I was i high school:
Go with the motion, go out (a lot), spend time in bars, clubs, café's. Talk talk talk. I was sad, got emotional when I drank too much and nobody knew why. I was always doing "fine".
This backfires in every way. I became shallow and anxious, I wanted you for the FB photo's I could post of us having such a great time together. When we tried and failed I got stressed, lashing out at you or leaving you for another shining knight who would complete hopefully complete my quest.
I thought you were fake, when you spoke to me, but I was blind ànd fake.
I remember the second last time we tried to make it work, I left you, again, and I saw pain and confusion in your eyes, what did you do wrong? You came, I've met your parents, we hung and I was convinced it was because you didn't try hard enough to understand me. I still didn't understand you.
Now, things are changing, I'm working towards subjects I find interesting. Moving to the place I want to spend my time, speaking to people I want to speak with, deepening relationships and focussing on a whole new intake on my life.
You did your thing and I kept pulling you in and out. I am so sorry you had to go through that and thankful that you did.
Maybe you've finally had enough. If not, I'd like to try being with you. It'll probably still be messy but I will stay low for now. Giving us time and space.
You're more quiet, patient and you want it all from me. You need to be sure I feel the same though. I didn't untill now.
I am spontaneous, chatterbox, vomiting my emotions all over people when I need to, you're more at ease, quiet, complicated in your own way. I put pressure on what I want so i'll get it, you turn away. I care about every fucking little thing, you don't seem to, more relaxed. We're both competitive, out of the ordinary.
I will never imply that I need you, but on paper we could be able to find more balance. If I screwed up too much and you're sure never to get on this train again, I will still be fine. We will meet eachother sometime and when we do, maybe we can really get to know eachother?
