The story below is both fiction and not. It is very close to my real life, perhaps a bit “too” close. I have changed names and places to protect the innocent and the guilty (depending on how you look at life, I guess), and romanticized some of the interactions and details. Writing it down this way, somewhere between lived truth and fiction, is my way of giving all the craziness a place.
She wasn't even really his type. Niels looked at her photo, but it didn't matter what she looked like, nor did the weird little biological fact that she had dared to share with him. In fact, the fact that she had had the courage to share the information with him was part of what made Niels feel so incredibly at ease with this woman. He didn't know her real name, just the name she used on the dating app, but that didn't matter. Going to see her now went against Niels' desire for order. Since Laura and Niels had decided on their new arrangement, Laura had needed and had (at first) secretly reclaimed her freedom again, and the only way out without destroying everything had been him granting her that freedom plus her right to be discrete about it and taking his own freedom back as well, since then Niels had become active on five different dating sites.
Nobody had warned him about the lag. No matches on day one. No matches on day two and no matches on day four. Niels kept on swiping, hoping someone would match with his old out of shape body and puffy face. Then on day four the first match came in, and a second, and a third, and a fourth. One stood out, a young woman 20 years his junior, and after a day of chatting, Niels and Leandra, a very attractive young woman, started connecting and after a bit of back and forth play, a first date was set to happen in 10 days and Niels was very excited looking forward to meet Leandra. Niels was planning the date with an eye for detail, his first first date in almost four years, and Niels wanted it to be perfect. Completely his type, even younger than Laura, and there was a real click in their messaging.
But then the floodgates opened. Day five on the dating apps and a dozen matches came in. Not like day four where two of the four were ladies in Africa and South America faking their location, these were all real local women interested in actual dates. Day six and the numbers tripled again. Niels started regretting using so many dating apps all at the same time, this was just too much to handle. He just wanted to prepare for his first date with Leandra, see where it went, but at the same time the attention felt good. Interesting women, different types, different ethnicities, different age ranges, all seemed genuinely interested in him, but Niels didn't want to be a player, he didn't want a roster, all he wanted was someone, one person, to balance the books with Laura. Just a single someone who would give Niels the basic intimacy that he and Laura had failed to rebuild after the day that Niels had made his stupid and fatal mistake.
Oh God, how much Niels loved Laura. Niels wished inside that he could just walk away from his love for Laura, start over, find an uncomplicated love to call his own. But inside Niels knew that wasn't possible. There could be no big love after Laura, things between him and Laura had been more intense than Niels had thought possible before he had met her. Giving up on Laura would mean giving up on truly loving someone with the full capacity of his heart, and Niels wasn't ready to do that.
And besides, Niels "saw" her and he understood. In Niels’s mind this understanding was as certain as the sunrise in the morning was. Even when it was cloudy in their lives, Niels saw the same light behind the clouds coming from Laura's eyes when he looked at her. Niels saw the frightened little girl inside of her, the little girl who had been hiding from him behind the same facade of the strong decisive independent woman that she showed the rest of the world. A facade that was part of her identity, but that she had allowed Niels to peek beyond in the years before his catastrophic mistake. Niels believed with his entire being that everything he was struggling with: their limited intimacy, the fact that the look in her eyes were the only way she had left to to express her love for him, and now the fact that she had decided to return to an open relationship with him without informing him first, and the fact that she showed zero remorse or accountability for not telling him, Niels believed to the point of knowing that all these things came from one place: Laura didn't feel safe with him anymore. Niels knew he deserved the consequences of that fact until he would find a way to make Laura feel safe again.
Niels had half lost Laura almost two years ago, but he wouldn't give up, not on a love this strong, not on the little girl inside of this strong woman that he had scared into hiding from him. No matter the pain of being right now, he was hers, he was Laura's boyfriend, even if she was "only" his partner. The distance was too deep for her to accept herself as being her boyfriend, but the love and connection was strong enough for her to still be his partner. Half his, half not.
But the tattoo on his back reminded him of just what these two years were.They had been a long two years, but their movie, a movie that Niels had discovered through a dream about her in a boat on a lake, a boat that turned out to be the exact boat from a movie Niels had never seen, a movie that was Laura's favourite movie, that movie was tattooed on his back as symbol of their love.
"The Notebook", a movie where the protagonist waited for seven years to get the great love of his life back, seven years, and it had only been less than two. It was way too early to even consider giving up. Niels just needed to adjust. Find himself his own little Martha Shaw, a side character to fill up the hole inside and balance the books, while working on making Laura feel safe with him again.
Niels wasn't on these dating sites to play a dozen women or more, he wanted something stable but shallow, and Leandra felt like she could be just that. An attractive, sensual but very much shallow second love that could fill the emptiness that the reduced intimacy with Laura had made him feel for the last almost two years.
Leandra had shown clear signs of being high-maintenance. She had accepted an expensive gift he had sent her and had felt no shame asking him to pay for a pedicure for her before they had even met, and this vibe gave Niels a good feeling about her. High maintenance was good when it came to avoiding deep intimacy, Niels needed shallow.
But there came the floodgates opening. Against the high bar that Leandra had set for other dates, only four of the multiple dozens of matches managed to slip through into his WhatsApp, and Niels tried keeping these four "warm" until after his date with Leandra.
If Leandra had Martha Shaw potential, he would try to let these contacts die off through reduced DM depth and frequency, or that was the plan at least. But plans don't always end up panning out the way they were intended.
It was five days before the big date with Leandra now, and Niels found himself sitting in the train, making his way to a lunch date with a woman who wasn't even his type, and while sitting in the train he was actually texting the 50 year old woman that he had been DM-ing with the most actively of the three other women, the one he had thought most likely to be his second date if there would be no Martha Shaw vibe in the connection with Leandra. He was texting her that he had met someone with whom he wanted to explore where the connection led. What was even happening?
The personal truth she had shared about her body had been more apparent than her pictures had revealed. Her height had further amplified that visually she wasn't the type that Niels usually was attracted to. Niels was barely 6 foot tall, which is a modest height for a native Dutch man, but most of his love interests in his life had been shorter than 5 '7" he had never dated anyone over 5'9”. This woman was 6'2”. But while she didn't radiate the level of femininity that Niels was usually attracted to, her presence was there in a way that felt both overwhelming and comforting at the same time. The way she spoke reminded him of an old college time friend, a homosexual friend, Bob, who in college had challenged him to a kiss after having confessed to him that he had a crush on Niels. Niels remembered telling him that it was a nice kiss but he had nothing to offer him, and their friendship had remained unchanged. Thinking this, Niels realized he wanted to kiss her for the personality she showed him, but the time wasn't there for kisses. This was such an unlikely match, but the communication flowed so natural and words turned into touch and touch back into words, and Niels felt an intimacy just from hands touching combined with words spoken, that made him aware of the depth of the hole in his heart that he had kept reserved for the intimacy he had been missing from Laura.
In the DMs Niels had already felt safe enough to tell her about Laura, and he felt unexplainably safe to tell her everything, but not everything had been said yet, and they spoke with so much candor that Niels allowed the gate to his heart to open slightly and he let some of the touch energy drop into the hole in his heart. The energy didn't fill the hole, Niels wasn't ready to let anyone in that much, but it was enough to moisturize the inside of the hole, making Niels aware of just how deep and hollow the gap was he had been living with and he realized that maybe this woman could actually fill it if he let her.
For lunch Niels chose to sit next to her rather than on the other side of the table. Somehow it felt like a better, more intimate place to sit. And he ordered fried eggs on toast while she went for a salmon salad. Then came the reveal, but Niels wasn't in a place with her to register it at that moment in time at a conscious level. Her name was Martha, the name gave Niels a feeling of synchronicity without realization and Niels opened his heart a little further, letting the energy of their still uninterrupted touch slowly pour in. The bottom of the hole in Niels’s heart was filling up and it felt good.
Niels was waiting for the tram. He just came back from the local swimming pool, having swam 20 laps. He would have wanted to swim 40, but he had missed his intended tram to the swimming pool, so he didn't have time to complete his usual Sunday morning 40 laps. While swimming Niels had been thinking a lot about his realization.
On the train back from his first date with Martha, Niels had connected the dots. "Martha" At first it felt fantastic, he had found an actual Martha, his own Martha Shaw and she was actually called Martha. This was a sign the universe was giving him, a gift. His story and that of Laura needed a Martha, and the universe gave them an "actual" Martha and it was good. Niels had felt free now to let the connection truly flow into his heart, to embrace the richness of the simple touch and the open words they had shared, but the euphoria didn't last. Friday night already things started to gnaw at Niels’s morality. "What about Martha?", but Niels pushed these thoughts away and went to sleep.
Sleep didn't help though, the moment Niels woke up with a realization he didn't want to have: Marthe was a real person, and in many ways Niels didn't want her to be.
The tram pulled into the tram stop and Niels got in. He was on his way to meet Martha now. He still hoped that Martha would choose to be his Martha Shaw, but he knew he couldn't ask that of her, he could only explain to her where he was, how he felt about her, and what he could and what he could never offer her. God, how he wanted to let her fill that hole in his heart, how he wanted to find comfort and touch with her while he patiently tried to restore what he had with Laura. It would make his life so much easier. But no real person chooses that. Not unless they have been played for months and are in so deep emotionally that there is no way back, and Niels could not be that person. But Niels realized that he could have been that person! If her name hadn't been Martha, if he hadn't been hit by the hard realization that he was casting her into this role, Niels could have easily turned into that very person and that realization made him feel sick.
Niels was still sitting on the concrete slab that Martha had left him on 15 minutes ago, alone with his thoughts. Martha was an incredible person. She wasn't upset with him, she even called him a wonderful person, and told him she wasn't the right person for his situation.
He had told her everything, including about the coincidence with her name. Niels had even lifted his T-shirt enough to show her his tattoo with a silhouette of two people in a boat, the scene from the Notebook that had meant so much to him and Laura.
But the hardest thing he confessed to her was the deep certainty. The certainty that even if they were years into a relationship and Laura would snap her fingers, he would instantly choose Laura over her if Laura demanded it of him.
Niels tried to sweeten the bad prospect a bit by repeating he was not jealous, that she, like Laura, could have multiple lovers, and he wouldn't look beyond the two of them, but he could already see that didn't click with Martha. She could accept that Niels could not let Laura go "yet", but she needed that to be temporary. Niels his clarity about that created a clarity in Martha: This was not what she wanted.
She chose her pride, herself, she chose to be a real person and Niels was happy that she did.
While Niels was sitting on the concrete slab where they had just been talking, Niels started realizing: Leandra was a real person too, and so was Maureen who he had broken off communication on his way to his first date with Martha. And so was Carine who was still in the "keeping warm" section of his WhatsApp. What good was his freedom if the only thing he could do with it that would make his heart less empty was to pretend these people could be side characters in his and Laura's story.
Casual one-night stands weren't for him. Working towards something serious while his heart belonged 100% to Laura wasn't an option. Niels realized deeply there was too much love inside of him to make use of all the freedom Laura gave him in a way that would fulfill his needs and wouldn't compromise his morality. However much he hated the idea, the books would have to remain unbalanced for now.
