Why is this desire to close a chapter and start a new one so deeply rooted in human nature? It seems natural, almost obligatory for us to consider starting all over at some point in our lives. Sooner or later we all think about it. Is it desire to be free and get rid of the shackles of the past? Or is it possible that we hold our lives in such contempt, that we’re unable to live with ourselves? Perhaps we believed we screwed up a couple of things along the way. I know I did. I fucked up. Like a lot.
For me, the very thought of fresh start implies betterment of myself, an opportunity to grow into something less shitty at worst, or to become the best I could be, if possible. Either way, it's that feeling that you could do shit differently, if someone just gave you a chance. On the other hand, fresh start gives me an equal chance to fuck things up all over again. Which I probably will. Let’s not sugarcoat it. It will all most definitely go to shit.
Still, I want to change. For a quarter of a century unhappy, periodically depressed, socially awkward, emotionally scarred, pilled up with daddy issues (yup, even though I’m a guy)… Come to think of it, I never really stood a chance at life, did I? Enough with the self-pity crap, that’s for when I go to bed crying myself to sleep. I don’t want to be defined by my past any longer. That’s the very core of my desire to wipe my life clean. The way I see it, I’ve got two paths, one being a refresher course in life, and other being a one-way ticket to a hotel room, armed with a piece of rope, a stool, and a pocket knife. “A nobody was here.”
Starting fresh is scary, though. You’re essentially getting rid of you. That creates a vacuum, so to speak. And that gaping hole gets filled up quickly, so your time frame is quite short. You gotta work on yourself fast, accept new philosophies, do novel work, surround yourself with people of more quality or depth. Ironically enough, I’m surrounded by several, but legendary assholes, people of great potential, that are, much like me, stuck in place for now. So maybe, just maybe, by starting fresh, I can turn into more of a foundation for them, someone to rely on, someone to lead them (whether to success or utter and complete failure is yet to be determined). But you get it, I want to change everything about my life, except those people. They are there for good. And that’s what “clean slate” protocol means for me, in all honesty. Changing myself for others, not me. Because I'm perfectly happy being an all-around-asshole.
Tossing one life away and replacing it with another one altogether will likely cause more harm than good. It’s a process, lengthy and tiresome, but a process that potentially results in my inner peace.
Imagine being content with who you are and not wanting to change a thing in your life or about yourself. It actually sounds boring, but it must be nice. Hope I never get there, for change is crucial. No difference means no life.
