Have you ever woken up with an undesired thought? Have you ever opened up your eyes and before even glancing at the alarm clock an image popped up in your head? Not a pleasant one. It’s something that you absolutely abhor, yet, there it is, waiting to wake you up every fucking morning. And then, over the years, your brain learns to attach new images to this one, so the horror goes on for a few seconds, sometimes minutes. And there’s fucking nothing you can do about it, except scream internally. Shaking your head won’t help, closing your eyes will only make it more terrifying. There’s not much left for you than to give in. Right?
Now, what I just described here is a small portion of my morning routine. And it’s just an intro to what promises to be a painful day. Each day is filled with unwanted thoughts and feelings, redundant and time-consuming practices and habits, and mental hindrances of other kinds. It gives you a feeling that you are not in control of your own thoughts. Because you really aren’t.
Sometimes, it makes you feel like there’s two of you in there, and the other guy is just fucking with you for the fun of it. What a fucking cunt. This phenomenon is called obsessive-compulsive disorder or OCD, for short. It’s one of those things that modern-age mental hypochondriacs are self-diagnosed with because it’s “cool” to be different. Damn attention-seeking whores.
So what is this crappy thing called OCD? It’s kind of a mental disorder made up of two major parts. Obsessive relates to obsessive thoughts, that you just don’t have control over, whereas compulsive comes from the urge to behave in certain ways. It’s that internal drive that prevents you from doing anything but what your mind is set to (usually unwillingly).
In my case, OCD manifests in a myriad of ways. Therefore, I’m not sure anymore what parts of it can be described as a mere sense of perfectionism, and what parts are best showcased as a potential multiple personality disorder (due to that sensation that someone else is in control of your thoughts). For instance, I go to bed with a grotesque set of mental pictures related to my loved ones, and I simply have to process then. There's no way around it. Sometimes it feels like a torture.
In addition to mental images, I have to tidy up my place before I leave my apartment in the morning. Well, that's a fucking normal thing, you idiot! I hear you. However, sometimes it goes as far as being mentally unable to leave the flat if a single dish is left unwashed. And the worst thing is that it occurs when I am in the most hurry. So people wait for me. Not because I am an unpunctual asshole, but because my shitty brain won’t let me leave the house.
When it comes to the sound volume and the screen brightness on my devices, it has to be a round number, ending either in zero or five. When it comes to writing, I have to respect grammar rules (at least the ones I’m aware of - I have to defend myself before grammar-Nazis viciously attack me). This applies to texting as well, and no matter how drunk you catch me, I’m still gonna write in accords to my compulsion. My books are sorted in a very unique way, and switching just two books would force me to change the entire sorting pattern. When I walk with someone, I have to be on the left side of them. I ABSOLUTELY have to. Can’t stress this enough. And people think that’s funny, so they usually try to push me to the left of them, and I just lose my shit. Then, there’s the constant hand-washing. One of these days I’m gonna scrub my skin off!
What is the point of this revelation of mine, you may ask. I’m glad you did. There are two key reasons I’m talking about OCD today, first being to show people who suffer from it that they are not alone. Some of you may sort things out in certain ways, while others are major germaphobes. There are numerous ways in which OCD may manifest, which I'll leave for a future article. But we all have something in common - zero or very little control. Which leads us to the second reason; I’d like to share how I deal with my disorder, in hopes of helping you.
I was never diagnosed by a psychologist and I never tried therapies nor medication. Mostly because I'm a proud little shit, who doesn't want professional help. Also, I don't think my condition is as severe as it tends to be with some people. Anyway, although self-diagnosed, I don’t go around telling people about it (only writing about it on social media, it seems). It’s not something I’m ashamed of, but it’s also something that most people don’t understand, so they like to tease you in a “playful” way, not realizing they’re playing with their lives.
Anyhow, to get to the point, I deal with my OCD in three ways usually, and all of them revolve around distraction.
The best way to keep yourself distracted from your own thoughts is to keep yourself busy. Do things, always be on the go, and try not to stop. If you give your brain even a second, it will retaliate against you, and you’re doomed. Whether it’s watching a video or reading a book (provided that your OCD hasn’t developed that far, as to prevent you from doing said things), or exercising, working, and so on. Just don’t stop. Probably not a healthy piece of advice, but it works like a charm.
Music is probably one of the most important things to me. It helps me deal with my crippling depression (or at the very least, depressed mood) when I’m feeling blue, and it magnifies my ecstasy on good days, for instance. But most importantly, perhaps, it calms me down. And in doing so, I kinda stop thinking altogether. So, in a way, it prevents my “seizures” from happening, and it reduces the anxiety resulting from unwanted grotesque thoughts, once they occur.
I know, it’s fucking mental! Why in the hell would you ever fight a condition, by trying not to fight? It’s retarded, innit? For me it kinda works, though. When I go to bed, and there’s no music or things to keep me occupied, I am left all alone with my brain. And it defeats me. Every time. So, somewhere along the way I just accepted that I can’t control everything, apparently not even things that directly depend on me. By giving up my control, I let the brain do its thing, and the process usually ends within minutes, leaving me mentally drained and ready to sleep.
So, to wrap it up, obsessive-compulsive disorder is not something to joke about. Okay, I guess kidding about it a bit won't do any harm. Finally, if you suffer from OCD, you’ve got three options: i) you can either fight it with therapies and meds, ii) you can avoid it by running away from yourself (10/10 would recommend again), or iii) you can just let go of the wheel, and accept that you can’t control shit. Then again, what the fuck do I know about it? After all, I’m the one who wakes up to a nightmare every day. If you guys have any suggestions, feel free to drop them in the comments below.
