He knows not to drink,
but did it anyway.
The task that lay ahead,
he wouldn't soberly dare.
Release the control,
make hay.
Deal with the aftermath but get results. I had decided that if I am going to ruminate then I will not do so without any information.
I try to avoid drinking these days because of the melancholy I feel afterwards. This is something I have learned about myself over the years although it is not unique to me the feeling is.
It is uniquely frustrating to feel sad and not be able to do anything about it. It pisses me off. Again not unique to me. It is unique to what I have experienced in my life.
When it comes to my emotions I like to say I have only two states: Neutral and anger. Clearly sadness is not one of those two.
Life does give plenty to get a bit pissy about, and if you don't tell it to shut the fuck up very sternly then you will find yourself wallowing and feeling weak in a corner.
On and off over the past couple of months I have been watching and listening to more content about Stoicism and recently Youtube has been recommending something called CBT which is cognitive behavioural therapy with origins in stoicism.
I have always liked a bit of psychology here and there but as with anything I dabble and know just enough to be dangerous.
Why I knew I should not drink was not because I also know that I get a bit rowdy. It is because I hate this stupid melancholy... I did say it pisses me off right?
If I get pissed off at it though then I remove myself from that mental state and the problem with that is, then I wonder what it is I was being all sad over.
It is usually something. It is almost always something out of my control.
The really sad part is that at times it is not even about me, sure it is about my inability to change something but it is because I have to hope that others realise what is in their control.
I have never understood how people can feel they have dominion over others but I can see how someone would allow it.
Fortunately, I will soon be back to my sunny self. I will be back to being disgruntled when someone smiles in my direction. I will be right back at having insulting things to say because someone dares to ask me a question.
Not to them. Obviously. I am not stupid.
I will be back to walking my line between control and chaos and hope that others find their way out of chaos. Especially the very few I consider worth keeping alive.
