I have been fat all of my life. I was a fat kid from a dysfunctional family that grew into the mousy kid in school who was picked on and then an even fatter adult with my own dysfunction.
I made my weight a shield many, many years ago. I was molested in my teens/early 20s and at some point I worked out that staying in the 200-230lb range kept most people from seeing me. I was just another fat girl... An invisible...
There are very few pictures in existence of me in general but those that are either look like this...
Or I am hiding (BFFs Lissa - Tracy - Me)
At that weight, I was not big enough to draw tons of attention as a morbid curiosity, but just big enough to keep most people from looking twice. I could comfortably, for the most part, not exist on people's radar.
Don't get me wrong - I wanted to be healthier, to be able to run with my dogs, hike trails without feeling like my lungs are going to explode, buy clothes in "normal sizes", not hide from cameras, feel better in my own skin...
Yet, I am 42 and I have wanted all these things, on some level, all my life, but I am at my heaviest yet. Why?
In 2005, while living in New Zealand, I was married and comfortable and I decided I was ready to make a change. I fought tooth and nail to change my eating habits, and on WW Classic Plan I was able to do so... 11 months in and I was down to 187lbs, having lost over 90lbs.
Getting started at almost 280lbs.
...and then at just under the 200lb mark.
I was feeling better and proud of my success. My WW leader and the meeting girls were great. I wasn't as far along in health changes as I thought I would be but I was making great progress.
Then one night while on my walk, I became visible again. I was walking my normal route and a car with 4 guys began to slow down and they started yelling out the window at me. They drove up to the light and turned around coming back in my direction.
I can't tell you what they are saying - the blood was rushing in my ears and I was panicking. DANGER Will Robinson DANGER... It was late and the stores were closed... I didn't know where to go so I ran like a erratic squirrel... This just further spurred them on and they began revving their engine and laughing...
Finally I made it to, funnily enough, an open Pizza Hut, and in tears called my husband to come get me. For reasons of his own, that later contributed to our separation, he refused saying I was being silly and shouldn't be out so late anyway and he was tired after work and didn't want to come out again and to just walk home.
In that instant - I knew I had made a huge mistake... What was I thinking... Why would I ever want to draw attention to myself again, why would I ever want to be back on the radar??
So I stopped. I eventually got home that night but I never attended another meeting. I never talked about what happened or could have happened. I folded in on myself and made myself as small as possible... The only safety existed in invisibility and I had started waving a flashlight in the dark...
Over the last 10yrs, I left that marriage, moved back to the US, put back on all the weight and compounded the health issues already there.
At the beginning of this year, I was taking 21-23 pills A DAY to manage everything from Fibromyalgia and MS symptoms to high blood pressure and bad cholesterol to depression and anxiety.
I, alone - my health, alone... It isn't enough for me to make the change that sticks. I know this because I have decades of self loathing that tell me I am not enough, what I want doesn't matter, I am not here for me, to want something for me is selfish and makes me a horrible person... That record has been on repeat in my life for over 40yrs...and I am still learning to change the record.
My previous weight loss stopped because I was handling the food but not the issues that brought me to that point in the first place. I was treating my body symptomatically - dealing with the physical part only because it was the part I COULD control.
As my health has continued to decline, I restarted this journey in April 2017 with my doctors support and was off to a flying start - but then kicked some of my autoimmune conditions into super high gear.
I gained 18lbs in 2 days, took a few weeks to lose that, gained another 16lbs and basically spent from June - Sept going to various doctors trying to work out a weird barrage of seemingly unrelated symptoms.
I began reacting to a huge amount of allergens, was constantly sick and even after 6 doctors and I don't know how many tests and elimination trials later - we still have no answers.
I am feeling a bit better and have gotten back to focusing on my health since Oct 1st but I lost all the ground I had gained and have basically had to start over. And so here I am at the foot of that mountain again. The thought of having to do all that work again is overwhelming. The fear and insecurities are still there... I know I can do this physically but can I finally beat the reasons I am this way in the first place?
YES!
Why ever you are here, wherever you are on this journey - please know YOU ARE ENOUGH. You wanting a better life, for whatever reason, is not selfish. You are reason enough...
But if you aren't ready for that to be okay, if you aren't ready to put yourself first... That's okay too... We'll get there - and for now just concentrate on something you are okay with achieving, okay with wanting...
And hopefully we will be able to change our bodies and heal our hearts enough that someday soon we truly feel and allow ourselves to be enough of a reason....
As much of my life that is about Dogs - this is the other half of it - so food postings will be forthcoming.
