Breaking the bias

When I entered high school I signed up in an ultimatum established by none other than my dearest mother.

Thou shall not engage in any romantic relationship until after college graduation

It was clear, concise and the repercussions were not the kind one could ignore.

Failure to comply will dismiss all benefits I get from my parents – education, allowance, a place to call home and maybe my parents, too.

I never dared to break this rule; I’ve always been the type who follow rules no matter what. Or at the very least, I understood the roles these guidelines play in the grand scheme of things. Though with all honesty, there were instances that I was at the edge of jumping into something I thought was real but thankfully, I grew wise and ran away before I was even trapped into something I’d forever regret.

In the years that followed, I found happiness and contentment in focusing on my personal growth, in achieving whatever was there to achieve, in travelling to places where other people wouldn't normally explore.

Although in my sophomore year I wholeheartedly sang Taylor Swift’s ”Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday but I realized some bigger dreams of mine” when I was crazily in love with my first love and continued feeling the same for the next decade. Deep within, I knew I was different. Unlike girls my age, I never saw myself, for a lack of better term, as the domesticated type. I never saw myself as the girl who’ll settle, who’ll settle early. Not that I am afraid of commitment, I just felt I'm more than the label society had long associated with my womanhood. I'd hear and read that the essence of a woman is bearing and rearing a child. But what about us, those who are happily living without one?

A theory surfaced. Maybe I couldn’t see myself in a married life because I’ve been single for a quarter of a century. But three years ago when I finally met a man worthy of my time and affection, it didn’t change. I am still convinced that I am not ready to wed any time soon, that I still couldn’t see myself bearing and rearing a child.

Since most of my friends turned 24 years old, there's not a single year I've never been invited to a wedding either as a guest or as one of the photographers. And when everyone was aware I was already in a serious relationship, they couldn't help but ask "When are you getting married?" To which I’d confidently respond “I wanted to be married at 35!” That’s 8 years from now!

Their faces would grew unnecessarily alarmed and without even uttering the next remark I'd hear "Isn't it too late to bear a child by then?"

I just wanted to be left alone and scream "Mind your own business!".

These days, I get that question a lot. I expect to hear the same question as years add up to my age. Perhaps that's the very reason I found myself writing this piece. As a reminder to myself and all the women out there that we’ve come a long way only to fall prey all over again to what women have been classified in the years I would've not dared live. I’ve recently watched the Season 2 of Bridgerton and it pained me to realize how women used to be raised only to please men, to satisfy what a household needs.

Society, well at least the case in the Philippines, would always say “You should be married at 25, have kids by 27 and live happily ever after". As if getting married is the only prerequisite to a happy life. Don’t get me wrong, I know how beautiful married life could become. I’ve seen it when my sisters took the sacred sacrament. I've seen how fulfilling it is to raise kids and see them grow. But it is not for everyone and for me and some other women I know, we’re living our happily ever after every day even if we’re not married, even if we don’t have kids. Perhaps I’m past the deadline but who cares, I’m happy.

I may lived my teenage years making sure that all rules and guidelines are met. But today, there are no rules; there are no timelines. My life's at stake and for the very same reason, I wouldn't allow strangers more so society in general to influence my idea of happiness, of completeness and of my womanhood. I may sound like I'm dreading the idea of entering a marriage life. Well, that is true and it's no secret to my boyfriend for I've openly shared my thoughts about it. The point is only do something if and only if you are ready, not because it's what is required by society. Given the complexities of varying cultures and traditions, this might not be applicable to all, but if in your power you can stand up for what will truly bring you joy, by all means do so.

And the next time, someone ask me "When are you getting married?" or "Will you be having kids?" I'd say "Let's find out in the future!"

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_{This article is specifically written to celebrate the International Women's Month 2022. All photos are writer's unless otherwise stated.}

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