Dear CryptoDeaf, I'm gay and 20 years old, looking for someone for a long term relationship. I've tried numerous dating sites and apps, even tried [Commercial dating site removed by CryptoDeaf] and paid for the subscription. I can't seem to find anyone that's not primarily out for sex. I want a meaningful relationship, and all I can seem to find are guys that just want to pork it. I've tried going for old guys, fat guys, thin guys, furries, the works and it's mostly just sex sex sex. The old guys especially are creepy. Word of wisdom? ~Desperate4LTR
Well hello there Desperate4LTR.
Men are generally very sexual creatures, well humans in general are sexual creatures, it's how we reproduce. In our case, being gay, we're not really able to reproduce, at least not with the gender we're sexually attracted to. It's unfortunate but even many lesbians also encounter the same kind of issues involving sex sex sex. And yes even older men in their 60's and 70's can have an exception sex drive as men generally stay fertile all throughout our lives.
However, there are men that are in a similar position that want a long term relationship, and in today's culture it's very well accepted to have sexual intercourse on the first date. There's nothing wrong with being sexual, so long as you're safe doing so, such as wearing a condom or having him wear one for sake of example and having yourself tested and taking prep.
Some people just aren't into sex all that much. They think it's nice and that it feels good, but they can take it or leave it. Some still also just aren't interested in sex at all but do desire to have human companionship. I'm not sure which of the 3 camps you fall under.
However it's worth noting that just because you have sex with someone the first day or two of meeting them, doesn't mean a long term relationship can't form out of it. I had sex with my husband the first day we met, not even 12 hours after first meeting him, and I've been together with im for the better part of 11 years, and we have sex quite regularly.
It's worth mentioning, though, those with physical disabilities, for example my back problems as well as my hubbys, as well as his neuropathy pain and TMJ issues, sometimes one or both of us hurt too much to bother with sex anymore these days depending on the day. Doesn't mean we don't enjoy it still, it's just a lot harder to accomplish on account of pain for one or both of us to where we just wait for a good day for us.
If you're actually OK with having sex and just feel like sex too soon ends up ruining the relationship, I'll say it honestly depends on the person and their past experiences with sex and sexual abuse... and molestation. Sorry, it had to be brought up. I know what it's like being molested and overall sexually abused as a child, happened to me as a child having had my step father stay at home to make sure "I didn't avoid punishment" from "being grounded" so when the rest of the family was gone, he'd not only feel me up but grind his penis against my backend. So trust me, I know what it's like and it does take a hell of a lot of time to heal from that.
If that's your reason for wanting to stray from sex, I understand and I understand it's difficult to not be reminded of being sexually abused. It's a terrible fate for any child to go through and it's a traumatic experience that sticks with you into adulthood, I'm aware. I got over it with my partner because it was about knowing that he and I were forming an intimate bond with one another and giving each other pleasure was and still is a great way to form and strengthen that bond.
If that's not your case but it's just thinking sex will ruin the potential of an LTR, that's not entirely the case. The majority of the guys that are solely after sexual intercourse without any form of relationship other than maybe friends with benefits are generally up front about it, and for many still they're just ignore you. If you state in your online dating profiles that you're looking for an LTR and that nore you're out for quick hookups, you'll still get guys that message you looking for sex. Heck I have it in my profiles that I'm deaf and looking only for friends in the community, and I still get guys that message me looking to go kerboinky boink. Of course I decline, I'm already in a committed relationship after all.
These guys simply don't read your profile, they see your picture/s and immediately go "OMG hotness I wanna bang you!" you can simply ignore these guys, you can also tell them you're not looking for sex but an LTR and decline their offer for sex politely too.
Another way is to get involved in the local gay community/scene and make friends and you'll eventually have a friend which you and him both have feelings for and you can give him a hug and ask him to go steady with you which also works.
I met my husband on a furry dating site, and like your links you send me, even if their tame, I'll still censor it or avoid mentioning it's name directly, I'm not here to advertise any specific website or service, unless of course they want to pay me to shill them and give me full rights to be honest without limiting what I say (like that would ever happen).
I messaged him, and then we emailed back and forth for a few days, then we started talking to each other over the phone, and then his ex of all people came and picked me up, took me to his job and said "Hey, look who I found" and suddenly he turned beet red, it was adorable. We left shortly after so we didn't interfere with his work. His ex took me home, I hacked the router's password to enter my system's Mac Address (mac address filtering) which blew his ex's freakin' mind (these things were easier back then) and I chilled out on the internet for a couple days before finally getting out and getting a job, which was difficult as hell even though jobs were rather plentiful (Again, people for some reason dislike hiring the deaf).
Annnnd it took him a week before he realized I was deaf too, imagine his surprise. He asked me a question with my back turned and didn't realize he was talking and he gave me this "Well?" sort of look. I asked "Uh, what's going on?" and he repeated the question I didn't hear, "Do you like Kool Aide?" and he gave a sly remark I think was meant to be a rhetorical question, "What are you deaf?" and he gave a joking chuckle. I responded with "Um, actually yeah, I am deaf". His ex was living with us at the time in a studio apartment, the ex asked, "So wait you don't actually know what he sounds like" and I said "not really, I hear faint vowels like whispers but that's about it and I can't hear any voices when other noises are around me, like the TV."
I was, at that point, thinking "Oh god, this relationship is trashed. I should've told him earlier." His ex chimed in jokingly "So that's why you don't have a problem with his speech impediment" and I had to ask "Wait, he has a speech impediment?" Apparently he says words like "Sushi" as "Shushi", I really hadn't a clue, the mouth's formation is very similar for different sounds like Ba and Da for sake of example, so I just didn't know.
But even being deaf and having done the "deed" several times with him by that point, it didn't end up ruining our relationship.
Just pointing out, having sex with someone doesn't actually mean it can't be an LTR, it's just the person in question has to be wanting an LTR in order for anything like that to form, with or without sex.
Just be open and honest about what you're goals are with your potential partner and if it's obvious they're just after a quick fuck, well, fuck'em. Metaphorically, not literally... unless you want to, your choice there.
And when you have someone that wants to form an LTR as well, there's no problem in having sex, nothing wrong with it, however not all relationships will work out as is notable by seeing any couple, just pick a couple at random and in a few years, they'll crumble apart. There's lust which is confused as love, then there's love.
In regards to having sex with your partner, when in a relationship, even a forming relationship where you're still getting to know each other, at that point you'd be considered mates and sex is something that's shared with your partner, it's nice and you get to explore your partner's body and they get to explore yours, but if you can't handle that right off the bat, you can let the partner know "Hey, I'm not really into it right now, it's going to fast, let's hold off on that." If they can't take that or get upset over it, then ditch them. A person that wants to love you and have a long term relationship with someone, will understand the desire to wait before sex can happen, even if you have to hold off on sex for several months or longer. Just be up front and open about your expectations, terms and goals.
If they're OK with it, see how things go. If they're not OK with it, move on.
And if it's due to past child abuse from your younger years, it may be wise to seek mental help. I've stated it before, but there's nothing wrong with seeing a shrink, including even seeking a shrink for issues like that.
Why did I cover a range? You weren't exactly very specific with your question. I'm going to start prodding more in order to get better details to better write these columns, just the asker didn't respond in 2 days so I had to write the response as it was, albeit I do edit for formatting, grammar and spelling mistakes though original meaning is left intact.
Future reference for those asking questions for Dear CryptoDeaf, be as clear and as thought out as you can. Like this particular question on this article, if it was due to child abuse in your past, or just in generally wanting to wait to make sure a relationship will work out, etc, would be nice to know so I don't have to cover so much due to guess work.
