It wasn't exciting when she was all by myself,alone in the darkness. Thinking,her thoughts swirling around in her head. It wasn't relieving when she thought of something great and it didn't relate to her at all. She found nothing good about to herself to gush over. It wasn't calming thinking about a talent she possessed that she wasn't good, proud and confident in. It was quiet and hollow in her head. She felt herself fall in her head. Fall down and through a non-ending bottomless pit. It was dark. So dark, she couldn't see the tears that dropped in her palm as she cried.
It wasn't invigorating when she wanted nothing to do with crying. She didn't like the show of vulnerability and wanted it to burn slowly deep within her where it hurts the most. It wasn't thrilling when she chose to stop smiling as it brought a lot of pain to her smiling to the wrong people. It wasn't fun when she had to learned how to be quiet and not join in whatever her peers were doing because she was the first child and had to be a role model to her younger ones.
It wasn't beautiful when she searched for the sketchbook she filled when she was 8,only to find just a page from it. It wasn't funny being called out for reading smut in high school,all because she gave a girl who pressurized her to give it out. And it wasn't cool when she decided to stop track,all because she was bested for the first time when she was 16. It wasn't pleasing when she had to decide her career choice. She was interested in a lot of things but was unsure of what to choose.
It wasn't invigorating when she liked a boy that didn't like her back but toyed with her feelings and made her a laughing stock in the boys group chat. That was quite depressing. It wasn't breathtaking when she looked at herself in the mirror and hated every angle of her face and body. It wasn't dazzling when she cried late in the night and wished for her life to be taken.
What was she made for? She wondered.
