Is it brave or careless to be bare, or maybe scary? The answer to the question is subjective to everyone, I guess. But the truth is that I really don't care much. Well, I usually don't. I could cringe in the future, but I prefer to be honest with myself and journal my thoughts. Surely, I'd only share the safest parts of it all.
I have felt drawn away from people in the last couple of months, or at least in the last year. When I think of the fact that I haven't really been there for certain people, I just crawl back into my shell at the slightest chance I get to reach out to them. Counterintuitive, yes.
During the holidays, I knew to reach out to people and send my wishes—the ones I was close to, at least. The thought of it all—making the calls and sending texts—all seemed too laborious to carry out. I felt as though the holidays came and went in a flash. I brought myself to do what was necessary and reached out to a few, but reaching out to them was undebatable. And then I thought of something I'll try next time.
I wonder what happened to the guy who was so there for those he cared about, so much so that he'd set aside his own pain to alleviate that of another. I learned with time that the latter was unhealthy, though. It took bursting out and pushing someone away at some point to realise that sharing yours and being considerably vulnerable with people you say you trust matters to foster healthy relationships and maintain well-being.
Wait. I do know what happened. I started to grow older and let the things around me define how I feel and react. And so things like the pressure in school to fly high—that I put on myself—the need to never lack, and the fact that being considered "too nice" stung like a bee. People really get to watch what they say to people, though. Sheesh... But I am people as well, because I ain't no Mr. Perfecto.
I think something that stings even deeper for me is saying I'd do certain things and not follow up on them. It's different from making promises, though, as I really respect that; I never make them anyway. I've been assessing myself lately and then realising that I am way different from what I'd like to be scared the hell out of me. "Woah. I need to check that." I said, startled by the realisation.
You know, one time, someone asked me how I never really had mirrors around. They wondered how I check myself every day before leaving. I, on the other hand, considered it a tad bit absurd that it really was expected of me to consider it really important to have a mirror around as a guy.
Of course, it was a lady who asked, simply because she was appalled by the fact that she really couldn't check herself whenever she came around. I'd just often smile and ask her to carry her gigantic mirror around, then. And then we'd both laugh at my sarcasm.
Good old times, but I really should have a mirror. Well, I have one small one now, but I am talking about life mirrors. It's totally unrelated to the remarks I had been given before about mirrors, but considering the circumstances in our lives, don't we all need life mirrors?
Taking moments to reflect on our thoughts, decisions, and actions and taking what's unhealthy away from the healthy is pretty important. Moving forward in time without self-assessment could be dangerous. Mistakes could be repeated.
Back to reconnecting with people, I used to think I was doing alright, until I realised at some point that I really wasn't all that great. I mean, I do consider that certain people do not exactly give the same energy that they once did or that they aren't thinking of reaching out to me as I do of them.
Everyone's got their lives and individual issues, I guess. But I think it's okay to not be all caught up in your cloud sometimes and just check on people, and maybe feel even better eventually, you know.
What's the best way to maintain healthy and thriving relationships with people? I am not sure I have the answer, but I do know that I am liberal enough to listen to ideas, experiences, and diverse kinds of conversations. Until then, here's yet another journal in the year 2024.
The photo of some random guy here belongs to me