If the above title didn't seem funny to you, say it with a lisp.
Not out loud!
Well, if it's too late, at least the people around you got a little entertainment.
Regular readers would rightly remember that I've talked casually before about addiction, and my struggles with it. Well, maybe struggle isn't the best word, more like playful wrestling. I was lucky enough to be born with a problem forming attachments, including attachments to drugs. I'm not really into chasing the dragon, I just like to watch it fly by once in a while. Sometimes we'll play fetch... the dragon throws a blunt, I'll go retrieve it, the dragon will breath a little fire and light it for me... It's certainly not the contentious relationship you'll see between opiate addicts and dragons.
I've flirted with a few addictions through the years, but it turns out, my real addiction is enabling. This revelation actually came to me while I was reading through my old posts about relationships. EVERY woman I've ever dated has been addicted to something, and I've ended up being the enabler. Some of this is just statistics... when you live in an area where 80% of the people are alcoholics, it's hard to find someone who isn't an alcoholic. If I'm ever going to move forward with my life, though, I have to face my own culpability. Just because the options are limited, doesn't mean there aren't options. I'm the one not looking at the options, because those addicts are just too damn sexy.
Sadly, I'm aware that I'll probably never recover from this addiction, because 12 step programs just don't work for me. If you're unfamiliar with 12 step programs, go ahead and search real quick, we'll wait.
humming the "Final Jeopardy!" theme
Now that we're all caught up, those of you who know me probably saw right away where I run into problems with these programs. For those of you who didn't do the research... this won't take long.
Admit you have an addiction.
No problem, I've been happily admitting that for decades. Know thyself, I always say, and not just because I think this is The Matrix.
Place your faith in a higher power.
Wait, what? Do you think I can pray away the Tanqueray? You think if I hit my knees and please Jesus, he'll put the freeze on my weed needs?
Admit you are powerless over your addiction, and only a higher power can help you.
What kind of hokey bullshit is this? I spent my whole childhood praying for the addicts that were trying to raise me! He didn't help any of them (which would have helped me, at a time that might have actually made a difference in my life) so why should I believe he'll help me, now that I'm asking for purely selfish reasons?
Put your faith in a higher power? I think if this is going to work, I need a god who's willing to actually show up for this relationship. I need an Old Testament God that's not afraid to burn down a few liquor stores. What I DON'T need is a god who's going to insist I make the right decision for myself, which is what all the gods are going to do. I'm powerless over my addiction, remember?
Just forget it.
This has me wondering, is there some metaphor here with the lyrics of Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Gimme Three Steps"?...
'Cause after those first three recovery steps, they'll never see me no more.
To hell with it. Do I really NEED to move forward with my life? I'm at an age now where I'm comfortable with my addictions. They enhance, rather than interfere with, my life. I like smoking weed, writing for Hive, and fucking my drunk mistress. She likes smoking weed, getting drunk, and getting fucked. We raise chickens together, and grow a lot of our own food (and marijuana). We can (and do) use some of that food (and marijuana) to make booze. Even if the apocalypse comes, we'll be here getting high, drunk, and laid, watching reruns of bad sitcoms on a solar-powered laptop.
If I live through Revelations, maybe I'll introduce some of the holy host to the friendly neighborhood dragon. Maybe if The Beast of Revelations has a stoner friend to play with, things won't go down quite as bad as the prophets predicted. Maybe, just maybe, I could set a good example for the armies of Heaven and Hell, and they can work out their own codependent relationship. After all, they were once family... surely they have some old feelings for each other. Lord knows that nothing fertilizes feelings quite as good as booze and weed.
I like this plan. The only problem is, I don't know if I'll have enough for all the hosts of angels and demons stored up when the apocalypse arrives. Perhaps you could do your part, and send me all your booze and weed, when the shit finally hits the fan. The future of Earth, Heaven, and Hell may just depend on it.
Or, maybe it doesn't. What do I know? I'm just a dude who's spent 40 years drinking and smoking away my brain's cells, but I still had enough brain activity to write all that. It seems my work is not yet finished.
Oh shit, was that a dragon that just flew by?
LLAAATerrrrrrrr...
That's not a dragon, it's a cardinal! I like this blurry guy for this post, because he's red like a red flag, bright like dragon's fire, blurry like I've been drinking too much, and eyeballing me like he disapproves!
Thanks for Reading!
