Hello,
How are you all? I haven't checked in for the last 3 weeks or so, I think it started right after the SOFT Event. I don't know what exactly happened, but I lost every ounce of motivation to write content here. Well, not just here, but in real life as well.
The thoughts were of running away from reality, so going back to the countryside gave me the assurance that it'll all come back again, but the truth is... it didn't help. The joy and peacefulness it gave was therapeutic, and I swear to heavens I'd work in a farm—which is very new to me—if it means living in that side of the world again. All's good, until I came home wanting to run away again. The motivation I so needed was nowhere to be found despite the serenity the countryside gave me.
Realizing it came as a not-so-surprising bomb when my hand throbbed yesterday. You see, back in January, I got in jail over visa problem. I stayed inside for 77 days, and got deported on 26th of March. Days in jail spent writing on walls about what I felt. Mostly were song lyrics and titles that speak to me a lot. Sometimes I respond to peoples' writings, wishing them well now that they're out, (hopefully) living their best lives. And because of that repetitive movement, I strained my right hand. Sometimes I cannot open a bottle of Cola, sometimes it hurts just because.
I cried after so long.
Everything just hit me like a boomerang. I realized I am going down to that crippling, destructive path of depression, and I can only surrender to the truth that I am not well, that I need to rest more than striving to deliver perfection that is unattainable and very impossible at the moment.
I cried after 5 fucking months of just taking all in like a chill-pill. I believe I swallowed it hard, denying my self the time to heal and reflect on everything that's happened.
So kindly allow me today to say good-bye and see you again soon. I will take my time in healing and just reflecting about it all, figuring out what's gonna work until I am fully capable as a human. I honestly don't know where to start. I guess I'll start by resting? What do you guys think?
One thing's for sure though. I will make art in solitude without recording every step of the way like I used to do for the sake of blogging, because most of the time, it kills the momentum.
I will drop by from time to time to resteem posts from 
All the very best to everyone, and hope to see all of you again real soon.
Kind regards,
Allyssa
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