People who are prone to self-reflection may experience how the state fluctuates from complete euphoria, pride and overwhelming optimism to complete despair. I feel something similar, and I'm glad that psychologists are talking about it, because in this way I understand that all my emotions are valid and I'm not alone feeling this way.
Desperately looking forward to some warmth of spring.
Today we had a reason to celebrate a bit: it was the birthday of my mother-in-law, Valentina. My husband and I went out to maybe found some flowers for her, but everything was predictably closed. So we just walked around the district a bit before the next siren went off. Valentina cooked her signature dish, French meat, we finished an old bottle of wine (selling alcohol is now prohibited in Ukraine due to martial law in the country). Of course, celebrations are not as before. All toasts are raised to just one thing - to peace, to staying alive, to the victory.
I cry a lot lately when I watch the news. I find it difficult to hear about absolutely everything - the bombing, supply problems, deaths and suffering of people. On TV they show destroyed cities, villages, buildings - many of these places I visited or saw personally, I traveled a lot, in some of these places I spent happy moments. It is incredibly painful to see how all this is brutally destroyed. For what? Nobody will answer this question.
Destroyed residential block in Mykolaiv, the region where my mom was born. I've spent much of my childhood in these lands - PHOTO CREDIT
The hardest thing for me right now is uncertainty and helplessness. It turned out there are not many ways for me to be useful to the army. People say that continuing to work, paying taxes, investing in the Ukrainian economy and helping the army financially is enough help, because someone has to do this. But I understand that my contribution is negligible. I feel a moral and ethical remorse from the fact that I still have a roof over my head and am alive, and some people do not even have this. And then I blame myself for allowing myself to feel sorry for myself. Such a weird and self-destructive feeling that I've never experienced before.
