Femi was a person who wholeheartedly believed in intuitions, if it felt right then it was right and if it felt wrong even if the whole world told him it was wrong, he'd still go ahead. When Teni, a girl he’d met at a mutual friend’s wedding, laughed at his jokes Femi clocked it and so she asked for his number and he gave it to her.
When she texted him "How was your day?" at 9:00 PM on a Tuesday, Femi didn't see a casual check-in, what he saw was a declaration of interest or an invitation to treat. He was convinced that he was in the final stage of a romantic conquest, he had already started thinking if their wedding , how many children they'd have, where they would live etc. Today, at the rooftop restaurant in Victoria Island, he was going to close the deal. The Investment Phase Femi had been "investing" for six months. In the Nigerian dating market, Chidi considered himself a husband material, stock. He wasn't like those "Yoruba Demons" Teni complained about, he was a "Good Guy."
He remembered their "dates." There was the time he took her to that fancy art gallery in Onikan. Teni had spent the whole time talking about how much she loved the art. Femi didn't know a stroke from a heartbeat, but he nodded, paid the 15k Naira entry fee, and bought her a small print she admired for 160k. "You’re so sweet, Femi!" she had Said, hugging him. Then there was the Fuel Crisis of October. Teni’s car had run dry in the middle of Lekki traffic. Femi had abandoned his own office meeting, bought a 25-liter jerrycan of black-market petrol for what can only be considered a ransom, and drove to her like a knight in his dusty Toyota Corolla. "I don't know what I'd do without you," she’d said, leaning her head on his shoulder.
On her birthday he bought her a high-end wig for her birthday because she mentioned her old one was "shedding." He paid for her Bolt rides when her car was at the mechanic. He even sent her "Lunch on me" transfers via Kuda whenever she posted a crying emoji on her WhatsApp status about being stressed at work. To Femi, these weren't just gifts. They were down payments on a future. The Valentine’s Strategy for Valentine’s Day, Femi went all out. He had secured a table at The Azure, a place where the menu didn't have prices and the waiters spoke with accents that sounded like they’d just landed from Heathrow. He had prepared a deluxe care package. Inside a customized velvet box was: 1. An iPhone 15 Pro Max. 2 A gold necklace with a "T" pendant. 3. A card that cost 5k, featuring a pop-up bouquet and a poem he’d spent three nights editing.
Femi arrived early. He was wearing a black linen agbada so crisp with starch it could cut paper. He’d spent two hours at the barber getting a fade so sharp it looked like it was drawn by an artist. He looked like money. He looked like a man about to be off the market. Teni arrived thirty minutes late, looking like a princess in a fairy tale, in a red silk dress. Femi's heart did a backflip. Red, he thought. The color of passion. This is it. "Femi! Happy Val's!" she said, giving him a quick side-hug.
The dinner was going perfectly. They ate sea food boil that tasted like exquisite. Teni was in high spirits, telling him all about her dream to start a luxury fashion business. "I just need a partner who really gets the vision, you know?" she said, swirling her wine. Femi then said "Teni, you know I’ve always been your biggest supporter. I’m here for you. For everything." Teni smiled, her eyes bright. "I know, Femi. You’re literally the most reliable person in my life. I tell everyone, 'If you want to know what a real, supportive man looks like, look at Femi. 'This was the opening he thought. He reached under the table and pulled out the velvet box. "Teni," he began, his voice trembling slightly. "We’ve been doing this for a while now. The dates, the late-night talks, the way we just… click. I wanted to show you how much I value what we have. This isn't just a gift. It’s a statement." He pushed the box across the table. Teni’s mouth dropped open. She opened it, and the iPhone shimmered under the soft LED lights of the rooftop.
She looked genuinely shocked. "This is too much! Why would you do this?" "Because you deserve it," Femi said, taking her hand. "I want us to stop dancing around it. I want everyone to know. I want to be the man by your side, officially." The Great Disconnect, the silence that followed was not the romantic silence Femi expected. It wasn't the "I’m so moved I can't speak" silence. Their was no glimmer in her eyes. It was the "I think I just stepped in something gross" silence. Teni slowly pulled her hand back to her side of the table. She looked at the phone, then at the necklace, then at Femi's hopeful, sweaty face. "Wait," she said, her voice dropping the bubbly tone. "Femi . What do you mean 'officially'?" Femi laughed and said. "You know… us. Relationship. Boyfriend and girlfriend. I mean, after everything we’ve been through these last six months, it’s the natural next step, right?"
Teni blinked, alot on her mind, then she let out a small, confused sigh "Boyfriend? Femi, are you okay?" Femi’s smile faltered. "What do you mean? The dates? The gifts? The way you call me every night?" "I call you because you’re my best friend!" Teni exclaimed, her voice rising just enough for the couple at the next table to pause their shrimp cocktails. "I thought we were on the same page! I literally told you everything because I felt safe with you. Like a brother!" The word "brother" hit Femi like a physical blow to his gut.
"A brother?" Chidi whispered. "I spent four hundred thousand naira on your car engine last month. I don't do that for my own biological sisters, Teni!" Teni looked offended now. "So you were buying my love? Is that it? I thought you were being a Good Guy. You kept saying 'Don't worry about it, what are friends for?'' Every time I asked, I even told you about Segun!" "Segun is your cousin!" Femi shouted, not minding the other people around at this point "Segun is the guy I’ve been seeing for 3months!" Teni said back. "I told you I met a 'great guy' at the gym. I thought you were happy for me! You even said, 'As long as you're happy, I'm happy'!" Femi remembered saying that. He had thought it was a test. He thought she wanted him to be jealous so he could claim her. "I was being sarcastic!" Femi groaned, putting his head in his hands.
Teni stood up, grabbing her clutch. She looked at the velvet box with a mix of longing and guilt. "Look, I can't take this. It would be weird now. I thought you were just a really, really nice person. I didn't know there was a bill attached. "It’s not a bill! It’s love!" "It’s a misunderstanding," Teni corrected. She adjusted her dress. "I think I should go. The waiter approached, hovering tentatively with the bill for the dinner a cool 700 thousand naira. "Sir? Will you be paying with card or transfer?" Femi didn't look up. He watched Teni walk toward the elevator. She paused, turned back, and ran to the table. Femi sat in the silence of the Lagos night. He looked at the empty seat, the half-eaten lobster, and the waiter who was now looking at him with genuine pity. "Oga," the waiter said softly. "The transfer button is on the POS. Or make I bring water?"
Femi didn't cry, nor did he scream. He simply took out his card, tapped the machine, and stood up. He walked to the edge of the rooftop, looking out at the chaotic lights of the city. He hissed a long, soul-piercing "Chaiiiii,". As he reached the exit, his brought out his phone and blocked her. Then he went to the nearest suya spot, bought 5k worth of kidney and liver, and ate it in his car, alone, with the AC on full blast, listening to old Celine Dion songs.
Images are A.I generated!!!!!!!
