Sometimes time flies, without realizing it the days turn into weeks, the weeks turn into months and when you least expect it, a year has passed since your life became a whirlwind where all your disorders play and scream in your head while you try to understand how you ended up here. Today I am alone, with the light turned off and as my companions the paranoia and madness that creeps into my room, caressing my disconsolate soul and biting my neck while I listen to the whisper of a "join us" that makes me lose my senses once again, Becoming part of carnal choreographies that I never thought would include me forming scenes that even in my most perverse fantasies I was not able to glimpse, making me strip my clothes of sanity and dignity, leading me to the pleasure that causes that little hell which I myself have created. The accelerated beats of my heart no longer help me understand if what I feel is excitement or fear, today for me both feel the same, my senses are sharpened first and then become numb and dull, my skin bristles at every contact, my breathing becomes rhythmic and unrestrained, sweat runs down my back but I no longer know if it is cold or heat that is in my carnal being, if it is the heat of unconscious actions that should not be repeated or the cold of detachment and little interest in what I am doing and how little I care about these two creatures that every night invade me relentlessly and that I receive with open arms.
Something in my being grows more and more until even I cannot control what this inner demon does or says, enjoying creating these vain choreographies that every night bring me closer to the madness that we all possess inside, but that we do not know until it is too late to stop their appearance at times, my eyes get cloudy, the new marks on my skin feel so good to be so fresh, the movements become erratic, everything is at the climax of the best and worst moment of my life, everything feels so unreal until... Once again, my companions fall asleep and leave me struggling again with the emptiness that little by little is growing in my chest, throwing in my face those questions that like in so many other nights are eating me up inside. What are you doing with yourself? How did you end up here? Why do you keep on destroying yourself? Are you really okay with what you are doing? And as on so many other nights, I just make long excuses that help me fool myself for another night. Excuses, those damned ones are what helped me end up here, in this room in a city I never thought I'd use as a refuge.
The remaining hours of the night pass slowly while the minute hand punishes me with its sound, I don't know what to do next, whether to keep looking at nothing from the window or to throw myself out of it in order to silence the voices that torment my mind and no longer hear the intense "tick tack" that pushes me to madness. Everything is so confusing now, but... I remember that I have my anesthesia at hand, I look again for that folder full of memories that have become my double-edged sword, I read with patience that letter that she left me the day of her departure, I feel like my heart is about to burst and leave my chest, little by little everything returns to normal, I remember that you are not here and it was me who let you go. I am returning to my senses little by little while I slide between the sheets to finally give myself up to the kingdom of dreams, paranoia and madness are already wrapped in Morpheus' veil, as soon as I lie down between them I feel both of them embrace me and transmit me the warmth of knowing that in spite of everything I am not completely alone, but that when I sleep I will always be accompanied by the damned madness and the unbearable paranoia that my nascent disorders leave in me and that no matter what happens during the day, since at night They will be waiting for me.
