There was a built-in full-body mirror in my friend's house. I lived in her house for a few months. It wasn't the best experience since I got kicked out by my parents. I had no choice but I think it was a hurdle I needed to overcome so I could move on with my life. I used to look at myself using this run-down mirror. Staring at myself. Looking into my eyes. Thinking maybe if I stare long and hard enough I feel like the person in the mirror would move. Maybe I was hoping that I am not the person in this body, that someone else that would use it better reside in it. I was alone, stuck in my own time, trapped in a little world I created.
Most of the time I laughed my heart out. This is how I wanted people to see me. Happy, capable, and strong. I pretended that I was carefree. Pretended that everything was okay. All the pretending dug me deeper 'til the light at the end completely disappeared.
This is something I wrote to express my this feeling.
A candle burning brightly in the dark
Melting itself slowly away
A single trail of wax leaves a mark
In a place unknown, completely blank
Seeing a reflection in a mirror
A reflection ought to be yours but not
Someone's eyes in deep terror
You take a step forward to see it clearer
Along the way, you got lost
As you stare at your own eyes
You wonder, where have I gone
Why are the colors in disguise
I look for things within me
Somewhere, I feel like it's missing
Something has died
and I grieve for what was lost
We push through with our lives, sometimes pretending to be someone we're not, sometimes giving so much of ourselves to others. Our lights just burn out too quickly and when we're in that place where it's dark and lonely. You just wish someone would just take over you. You think that your physical frame is wasted in a soul like yours.
When we realize this, is it all too late? Like candles can we just melt ourselves back into a whole piece and just put a new wick? I guess we can. Though we'll never be the same. At least we can burn brightly again and maybe someone else would need a light.
I am just glad that I met my partner Arc. She peeked into the hole I dug. Though she couldn't see me, she knew I was still there and with her own two hands, she pushed the soil bit by bit back into the hole so I could slowly climb back up. Unfortunately, during this process, she exhausted herself and lost most parts of her. So right now, I hope even with a faint light that I have that I got from her, she finds her way back to me.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I used to only have one person to share this with. At first, I was reluctant to write about this. I mean this isn't actually pleasing, right? Haha But then I realize, maybe I am not really alone in this. Maybe other people are going through this. Maybe somewhere a lot of people would understand me.
I am not completely better but that is okay. I will take my time processing my feelings and healing my thoughts. I will keep on telling myself things will get better and that I just have to be patient. I will keep reminding myself that I am not alone. I will no longer push away the hands that are extended to me.
Now, I have released some of my deep seeded anger, sadness, and frustration. I stopped digging myself deeper. One day I hope I can completely see the sky.
Thank you for being there. I will keep on changing for the better and I hope you will too but for now, let's try to do it for ourselves.
Background photo from Feyza Yıldırım.
Banner created on Canva.
