Light in My Darkness

In my last post, I shared my desperate feeling and said it's a dark season of my life even during a happy season. my post

I feel desperate and depressed because in November my fiance finally got the visa to enter my country. So we planned to get married this December.
As what I have shared also in my previous post, we postponed our wedding last year because of the pandemic. And we have been waiting for almost 2 years to be able to meet each other and get married.

I was excited to meet him this December, also I have planned everything for our wedding.

But when he was about to come to my country, at the airport the immigration officer didn't allow him to leave the country.
He already tried his best to negotiate and showed all the documents but still, the officer was so strict and didn't allow him to travel.

Maybe it sounds like a small thing.
But for me, it's really a big problem. It's so disappointing.
Imagine experiencing this thing. Failed again, postponed again, canceling again all the plans.
Feel so sad, angry, disappointed, and hopeless.

This December should be our happy days but everything got ruined. When everyone looks so happy in this Christmas and holiday season, me myself feel so down and depressed.
Can't really enjoy the happy moments.
I feel so tired of living in uncertainty and waiting.

Now I am trying to get a visa to enter my fiance's county. But the process is so complicated because of the travel restriction in this pandemic, also everything is still unsure.

When all my plans were ruined and all things are still unsure, it's like living in darkness. Especially when you face disappointment and uncertainty.
Can't even describe how dark and painful...

But I tried so hard to still enjoy this Christmas with my family. And I realized even in the darkest season there's still a good thing that happens.
I feel grateful for my supportive family.
My parents, my brother, my sister and my sisters-in-law are really nice people and kind.
At least I am not alone in this situation.
I have them who love me. Who wants to do everything to help me.

By the time I am able to see even just one small good thing to be grateful for, that's the time I see the light in my darkness.
Because usually when I feel down and I am in my depression phase, my brain can't even think of any good or positive things that happened to me.
I will become so negative and hopeless. And it's so difficult to get out of this darkness.

But when I tried to write my feelings even the worst thing, it helped me to recognize my feelings, to accept and face all my feelings.
Even though it's painful but it helps me to feel better.

Thank you for reading my blog.
*all the pictures are mine