The news has hit me hard.
I won't lie.
I've had to slow down to process all of this.
Sometimes the world is a bit much.
I was a part of the crew for the first Vortex Trance Productions event ever. In Cape Town. Many, many moons ago now.
I was one of the artists responsible for decorating the old sewing factory where the event took place. This was before Psychedelic trance hit the Cape Town rave scene. When "rave culture" was taking off around here. Still indoors.
A few years after it happened on the international circuit. But we were always a bit behind because we were so far away from other far off places.
Now different because of the rise of the internet.
I call it "the internet of amazing things."
But it has its dangers as well.
I guess being part of a global community, and seeing the things we see online at times nowadays, can also be pretty frightening.
So, sometimes, I need to take a break from the internet.
To find some ground again.
“Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.”
Original source unknown but copied from here with an explanation
When things become overwhelming I return to simplicity.
Yesterday and today I've been cleaning the house and doing laundry.
And walking.
A lot.
Twice in one day a lot.
I find this helps my mind to flow and go through what it may need to, to find some quiet in a storm again.
These last few days have hit me hard, to be clear.
Perhaps because once-upon-a-life-ago I was a member of that "Tribe." And I both grew up in and spent many years working and celebrating life at those events.
You'd have to have attended one to experience it for yourself. But there's a special kind of magic that happens inside those gates. People become tolerant, open-hearted and generous of spirit in a way I've yet to experience at any other type of event. Honestly.
Of course the substances have something do with this.
But so does the music and the dancing.
And the feeling that it's okay to just be yourself for a while. In whatever way that happens. It's allowed. It's accepted. It's celebrated.
To know the intention, and the energy that transpires because of it, at those events and to see what happened during one of them...
is heart-breaking.
There is no other way to describe it.
Truly.
Yeah I've moaned plenty about the scene.
Some people who I thought were my friends really, really let me down when I needed them the most. I've forgiven people for being human now. I understand more about fear these days. But I lost something during these years that, despite my best efforts, I've not managed to regain.
They say grief does that to a person. It leaves you altered forever. I've worked this recovery hard. I mean... to eradicate the part of me that no longer really wants to be a part of humanity. That part. That wasn't ever me part.
But I've not, despite my very best efforts, been able to regain my optimism and hope. And my faith that everyone is inherently heroic. And "good". That seems to be lost forever and I'm busy trying to make peace with it and accept that I'm just a different person now in full.
I think, this grieving process, has been a lot to do with grieving the loss of "me" as well.
Seeing the violence at that party, a part of my once was "tribe"...
this has hit me harder than news should, perhaps.
It feels personal. Even when it probably shouldn't.
There's an innocence and naievity about those events that should never have been brutalized like this. It's the absolute and total antitheses of the philosophy these organisers are promoting.
I think it's this that makes me the saddest.
Overwhelmed and hopeless.
So I return to the simple things in life to bring my focus back to the detail at times like these. Small things. One thing at a time.
I chop wood and I carry water.
And I walk.
I guess it's the only way I can find some order in what seems like a completely chaotic world.
Back then, when I was still painting for the party decor, I was asked to paint a sign for the DJ booth. As a front panel.
My brother and sister-in-law gave me three symbols, chosen from some book on something magical and fantasy orientated. A language developed by an author using symbols as characters or something.
Three symbols were photo-copied and given to me to paint.
These symbols were there with us from the beginning. Added to the flyers for that very first event. They became a part of the decor forever. Front and foremost on the DJ booth for every party subsequently.
I think I repainted that sign at least three times.
From the original 3D effect (all in U.V. paint, of course) to the one I did in plain black with a U.V. background based on Van Gogh's "Starry Night." He's always been one of my favourite artists, you. know.
Because he was authentic.
There wasn't much else the man could do but paint. No matter how disillusioned and crazy it made him. He painted regardless. And barely made a living off it at all.
I've always respected this in people.
"Purpose" I think one might call it.
Nowadays we even want to manufacture purpose and sell it people, so that they'll feel more okay in the world.
But you can't fake this one.
There were times I was traveling, being a mom and living my own life after the first time I was asked to paint that DJ booth sign.
Some other peopel painted over it again and again as well.
The parties moved out-doors and that sign saw some heavy rain. And a lot of sun. It had to be redone. Over and over again. For each summer.
But those symbols always remained the same.
One was the Earth. The symbol in the center over there.
One was "Impossible and Yet It was So". On the left there.
And the last one... and this is the one that makes me remember this sign at the moment...
The last one was...
"We Have No Words."
Photos sourced from albums on the Vortex FB Page
Yeah... when life gets too much I know I need to slow down and be "in it".
I have to be "in it" to pass through it and to not have to go back and grieve it all again. And again.
So, these days when it's time to slow down maybe...
I chop wood and I carry water.
And I go walking...
"As each of us walks through this world, we see what we see, feel what we feel, and come to know what we come to know – by walking. In the alchemy of time, substantive wisdom arises like steam from the cauldron of our suffering. Life is going to hurt. There is no short cut. You have to walk right through the fire."
Solvitur Ambulando, By Peter Bolland
Screenshot taken from Nano Records FB page
Eternal Seeker
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Peaceful Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee
All imaged not sourced directly are mine. Images optimised with TinyPng. All photo editing done with GIMP.
