20 May 2023
I've seen lots of conversation about awkward topics around here, recently, and that makes me hopeful.
Because it's only when we're able to "see" the things we aren't comfortable with, and have the conversations about them that we probably should have, that we may be able to address and change things.
“Contrariwise,' continued Tweedledee, 'if it was so, it might be; and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland / Through the Looking-Glass
But this has always been something I've found around here and that's exactly why I've stayed.
Part of The Accidental Theory: A journey to freedom
Read from the beginning >>
It's not financially driven.
For me.
Anymore.
Although it is very satisfying, still, to have that kind of validation.
Only human after all.
Today I walked to the village to buy my single cigarettes. Usually four. But today I have this in my only one bank account.
And I had around R3.70 I managed to dig up in change.
So I walked, barefoot of course, to the local shop to get two cigarettes today instead.
I was not stressed at all about this.
Although it's a liddle windy today, the sky is clear and the sun is still shining. The earth and ground felt amazing on my feet. The wind was gentle and soothing.
I passed another regular walker with his dog. A predictable daily event now. I suspect he likes me a bit. We made eye contact and smiled. And today I added a familiar "hello" as well.
The shop assistant is very beautiful! 👀
Both of them are. But the young man, who is also a mad gamer, is usually pale with PubG fatigue. So him beautiful as the beautiful human he is.
It's the young woman who served me today.
A new mom who works seven days a week at times. I've seen her passing by on my evening trips back to the village, when I smoke too much and buy an extra cigarette or two, on her way home. Pushing her young child in a pram. In the now almost dark.
It's a long day for a new mother, I think. That's all I think as I walk by, these days. I have been there. Perhaps this is why I am able to "see" it. She's also a woman of color in South Africa.
I do not need to know more than this, these days.
She is remarkably beautiful!
Every day I see her, and it's still barefoot in my pajamas with my hair in a bun and under a cap now, because traveling for six months and, and... every day, she is immaculately groomed and made up. And every time my eyes meet hers, a kind of stupid, stunned grin hits my face while I try not to show how impressed I am by her self-care and self-respect. Immaculate, I tell ya! She should be on the cover of a magazine somewhere for realsies.
Despite her busy and must be exhausting days.
It's interesting how some people can have so much and still be so unhappy.
Don't you think?
And this isn't a judgment of any kind. It's just an observation. Probably because I've been there and I can't imagine why I was ever so anxious and afraid.
These days.
As I walked towards the counter I dropped a coin and it rolled under one of the shelves.
The woman doing her shopping in front of me looked surprised at my determination to dig that single bronze coin back out from under those shelves. Once upon a time I would've shrugged and forgotten it immediately as well.
These days...
it seems important to respect what I have a bit more.
I couldn't reach it, however, and when I got to the counter and the beautiful shop assistant raised her hand with four fingers extended to double check my order, I shook my head and said, "Only two today. But I just dropped... (checking my handful of coins) 50c and I don't know if I have enough now."
Two single cigarettes costs R3.
She didn't even blink an eye.
Far from the clear embarrassment, yesterday evening, when I ran my card for the final time (until I actually remember to invoice that client done today) while the store owner stood there avoiding eye contact...
Yes. That is how much money I spend a day now. Groceries bought two weeks ago to keep food around permanently just in case. Please don't feel embarrassed for me or feel you have to "rescue" me...
or you may miss the whole point of this part of the journey in full.
It's enough to just "listen" to this story.
Honestly.
That's the point of all this effort and sharing.😊
So where where we? Oh...
Far from the clear embarrassment, yesterday evening, when I ran my card for the final time (until I actually remember to invoice that client) while the store owner stood there avoiding eye contact...
the shop assistant today just smiled and confirmed I had enough and even some change. Around 20c.
I put it into the charity tin, as I left smiling, and told her she could do the same with the renegade 50c coin if it turned up.
Not an uncomfortable moment between us.
I guess she's walked through the fire of this particular fear as well. Nice!
Yesterday, however, I felt the need to explain I'd gotten stuck into a creative burst on an art project I'm working on and had simply forgotten to invoice a client.
To lessen the awkwardness of the situation. Yes. I still care about what people think, until I remind myself it's not usually my experience they are actually "seeing"... and yes... I do still have some codependency that I have to check regularly.
But also... I do want people to see know...
that how money you have does not change things all that much.
Honestly.
I know this now because I'm walking it.
And I'm okay.
Despite still being in pretty awkward circumstances myself.
Life really is about perspective and we actually do "create" our reality in many ways.
If not entirely.
Of course... some people hurt other people because of their own skewed perspective. And life and people can be cruel and brutal both. And so can we. As individuals, I mean. We can ignore this plain fact. Or we can observe it in order to understand ourselves, and thus our surroundings and experience, better.
And, possibly, change things. And who's afraid of the dark anyway?! Spoiler. We all are!
My votes and earnings around here have declined over the last bit.
I imagine because I'm having another awkward conversation. As well as my resistance to stick to any one "group" or community. I just don't believe this "lives" with blockchain "ethos". But that's just me. I love all the communities and I support everyone.
I don't believe any one of us can say we are "right" all of the time. Or "wrong" all of the time either.
In fact... I suspect we often get the two mixed up entirely! 😁
Whatever it is... I'm not too fussed.
Because I don't allow money to motivate my decisions or dictate my behaviour.
Anymore.
But that's another part of the story...
Today I'd like to share my experience of the "tough conversations" we'd all rather avoid because they're uncomfortable and even painful at times.
The same thing happened when I began to share on the mental health industry some years ago. And more honestly about my own experience.
And that's okay now as well. Because I understand why this happens now. And because I took the time to understand why people's reactions affected me quite so much. And I fixed that.
I carried on speaking my truth regardless and an amazing thing happened. Doing just this is what "fixed" my fear of judgement in full. It did take some years of walking it and it was very fucking painful at times. warning
Another interesting fact...
Anything becomes acceptably mainstream if it's aired and observed long enough, you know.
Sometimes it even becomes popular!
So...
I'm totally okay with being "poor" now.
And I'm okay with people not wanting to engage because of "The Their Shadow" now.
What a relief! Whew!
Now I get to make and share what I authentically believe is relevant and "good" art/literature...
instead of only trying to create content that keeps people happy enough to pay me for it. Did that my whole life and it ruined the magic
I'm a Fine Artist by a very certified University Degree, y'know, f*ck formal education, quite frankly, and I'll share why I think this one day... perhaps. I missed that prompt as well.
But basically... fighting the good fight with the institution that took it upon themselves to grant me this very expensive degree taught me that authenticity, in the arena of art anyway, rules the day.
And, because of both of these experiences and a few more, money is not my primary motivation, these days.
I was also privileged enough to be born into money and never had to survive-forever-with-little-way-out, because of our social constructs around wealth. Lucky, lucky me.
So I have no judgment of people who can't get enough of the stuff.
Honestly. I've also felt absolute rage with the wealthy elite, and desperation at times, on this journey. It sucks being poor. You have no real idea how much it sucks, at times, unless you've had the misfortune/good fortune of the actual experience.
But I am privileged. I am educated. And I have many, many skills because I love to learn and have consistently. So I reckon I can find some ground again financially. This is not permanent. It has, however, been both a terrifying and fantastic experience both. For my personal growth.
And my "liberation".
I had to face myself to free myself though. And it sucked. Big time, at times.
But, since I got to know myself better and accept myself more...
I'm no longer scared of "the dark" anything much anymore. almost entirely
So how well do you know yourself, do you think? And how sure are you that it is actually me that:
You like/hate/are annoyed with/love/think is arrogant/stupid/brilliant/wanna fuck/dance with/you get the drift.
I mean... how well do you think you know yourself? 😊
Really, really...
?
And, more importantly (!), what are you afraid of?
Thanks for watching ❤️ If you got this far 😊
Eternal Seeker
Hardened Dreamer
Mother
Peaceful Warrior
Determined Dancer
and Stargazer
still...
Beyond fear is freedom
And there is nothing to be afraid of.
To Life, with Love... and always for Truth!
Nicky Dee
All images my own for this one. Original Aweh (meta Verse) illustration created with Photoshop. Original illustration used original source unknown. Gif created using Canva. All photo editing done with GIMP.
