I think I think Too Much... Maybe

I tend to over analyse, end up in philosophical debates in my own head and have been known to go as far as researching the etymology of words just to make sure I understand what I'm saying to myself at times.

So a question on what makes me happiest could go horribly wrong and I may miss the deadline for this challenge. It could still happen, to be clear... *written at around 4pm today and then...

I did miss the deadline apparently because I'm still trying to figure Hive out. But here's a post regardless 'cause we do this for the love, right? ❤️

The last time I asked myself a question, I ended up researching and testing the waters for almost eight years until I found an answer. And many, many times during my investigation I wished I'd never asked the question at all.

A friend once said to me, "Careful what you wish for... 'cause you always get it!"

Anyone who's experienced this sometimes alarming phenomenon and has ended up receiving their request in totally unexpected ways would probably back me up here.

You didn't want to go to school that day?

Oh. Sorry you broke your leg on the way there and had to miss that great social event on the weekend as well.

It's like that.

More often than not.

Yeah. You usually get what you wish for so you'd better be sure you know that you actually want it, in my sometimes opinionated opinion. And you'd better be very clear about how you ask for it. Exact. Precise, in fact. And you'd better be willing to accept the consequences for getting it.

There are consequences for everything, you know. Cause and effect and all that sciency jazz. No. I don't like jazz. Despite the eleven year old checking at least ten times a day in his best Bee Movie voice. But you get the drift...

So I'm cautious of asking for anything from the powers that may or may not be up there these days. I prefer to focus on being grateful for what I have in the present. It's safer in my experience.

But, I've also learned that playing it safe can halt progress and is, more often than not, just plain old fear in disguise.

So balance in all things is probably best.

Where am I happiest?

Are you sure... after reading all of this and seeing where this may lead... that you want me to answer that question?

Okay then.

Where am I happiest?

Hmmmhh...

And so, of course, my brain takes the question and begins to turn it around, around again sideways and then upside down to try and come up with some kind of half decent response.

What is "happiness" is the first thing that came to mind. My mind anyway. In between that and my final answer was a short philosophical discourse on the difference between happiness and joy.

I mean... after the learning gifted to me because of the casual question I asked almost eight years ago, I find joy all around me these days. And all of the time. It's an immutable centre within me that's always there if I'm present enough to tap into it.

It's usually in the small things.

They're not the small things though.

They are THE things...

The colour of the African sky in summer. A blue I've yet to see anywhere else on the planet (although to be fair I haven't travelled nearly enough to make this statement with any kind of confidence).

The grace of a circling eagle. Effortless and lazier than this post is for sure.

The magnitude of the stars on a clear night away from the city lights. Putting all this busy-ness into perspective.

The howl of the neighbours dogs before sunrise. Waking the neighbourhood up, in chorus, with absolute no regard for daily routine or an elusive but oh so valuable ten more minutes of sleep. Imagine giving that few fucks. I find it hilarious these days. I lie in bed in the dark and laugh out loud at their audacity, in fact. When once I may have found it annoying.

But I also find happiness to be fleeting...

I worry about our never ending pursuit of happiness these days. It feels more like an addiction to me after the last years. A way of avoiding the darkness we often need to sit with long enough...

to get comfortable enough with...
for it to feel familiar enough...

to no longer be scary or painful at all.

“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” - Carl Gustav Jung

Learning to sit with fear, pain and discomfort until ALL of it passed was the single most empowering lesson I've ever learned or been taught. Learning to be comfortable not knowing. Accepting the duality of every moment as inevitable.

This is what set me free in the end.

Because the fear, sadness and pain are as much a part of this experience we call Life as are the happiness and laughter. So if I aim to have the full experience of being human and alive, I have to accept (and even appreciate) it all.

As it is.

And if I aim to accept the me as I am in this thing we call Life?

Well the same goes for me, I suppose.

No "good". No "bad".

These are just words we've come up with to try and communicate the inexplicable. Entirely human constructs that barely describe what we're participating in here at all.

I used to think I was happy at times, while I was really only distracted, you see...

These days, I find happiness where some people may not much expect it.

For me it's in the moments of peace now.

And it's always bittersweet because, these days, I'm totally aware that it's going to pass. It's fleeting. That's the nature of it. But this only makes it that much more beautiful and valuable.

Don't you think?

I intentionally stop and take these precious moments in. I'm so very aware of them now. I try to take a snapshot in my head and I say to myself, "This is one of those rare moments. Enjoy it. While it lasts."

I find these moments when:

I hold my son as he falls asleep, listening to him breathing, and there is nowhere else I would choose to be in the entire world right at that moment. It's when everything feels right in the world for just a while.

When I see a dog in the prime of his life, run and leap for a flying ball with all the effort and focused intent he can muster to catch it.

From a totally free foot massage by the rough sand on the soles of my bare feet, when I wade in a river with sunlight slanting through the surrounding trees.

When I stop and stand still for a while. To just breathe... and raise my face to the sun to feel its warmth on my closed eyelids.

When the wind caresses my skin in wide open spaces...

Moments of peace. Moments of immersion in the Now. Moments of real presence, I guess.

When I'm right here.

Right now.

And in it.

What positive traits can I bring to a team?

I struggled to be part of a group or team until I began to play Team Rumble on Fortnite to be honest. I've always been a bit of a lone wolf and assumed that was just my nature.

I like to come and go at my own pace. Freedom is my most valuable possession. And time. Of course! People also fascinate me and I people watch constantly. A bit of a respectful distance makes people easier to observe with less distraction.

I'm also far more comfortable one on one than in group settings.

I'm highly intuitive and sensitive to moods and energy. I find, in group settings, things can become overcomplicated and tiring. For me. I used to love socialising when I drank alcohol and used substances many moons ago, but I know now I only did that to dull down the perpetual noise of the sometimes painful intricacies of human interaction.

Which is heightened in group dynamics.

These days I choose solitude most of the time. I appreciate the creativity and self reflection that silence brings.

But playing Team Rumble has made me realise how much I do enjoy being part of a team...

I also know talk is cheap these days. Part of the un-bargained for learning, again, from the question I casually asked that landed me here as the me I am now.

People say all sorts of things for all of the wrong reasons, you know.

And words are only words at the end of the day.

Actions speak far louder than words.

They're totally right about that.

You never really know who someone truly is until you experience them in a high stress situation. That's when you find out who your team mates, partner, friends and family... whoever... really are. Beneath the words they use to describe themselves. Or the personas they present to the world.

And sometimes beneath who even they believe themselves to be.

It's only under situations of high pressure that people reveal themselves fully. Are they the kind of person who would take the life boat for themselves? Or are they the type of person who would help a stranger with a child into one first?

I don't think anybody really knows that about themselves until they are faced with a situation like that in full.

The sad truth, for me, is that there are very few super-heroes in the world after all.

But there are some...

Yes. There are some.

So I'm not gonna make empty statements about how I hope you might see me.

I know who I am these days because I was given the opportunity to find out. And you'll get to see who I am, and in your experience of me, if we walk along this path together for a while.

Words are only words, after all.

And people will say just about anything to avoid themselves sometimes.

But because I love Fortnite I thought I'd make a video of some of the cool moments I've saved from Team Rumble games over the last while. It's simpler to just show you how I "play the game", I think.

What is something positive about you that some might see as negative?

I can't lie.

It doesn't sit well with me and I just can't do it.

Not even to be polite.

It's bad, I tell ya.

Although this may seem to be a positive thing, trust me, in the society we've created it usually isn't. It pisses people off despite me trying not to do that.

It also makes me substantially far less than diplomatic at times.

I'm unable to play the political game in work environments and it's actually ended with me not being able to work in mainstream facilities after an extended learning curve and a year long course for certification in a new profession I decided to move into.

I haven't even applied for work, in fact.

I know I'll lose my shit at current procedures and the unquestionable lack of ethics within a coupe of weeks. I've considered going in anyway and trying to bite my tongue so I could, at least, have stable income until I build my new business.

But I can't.

Not when ethics become involved and people are being hurt.

The end.

My favourite positive surprise about Hive?

That people in a community are out and about supporting each other instead of constantly competing with each other or trying to bring each other down?

That by uplifting each other the whole community benefits?

That we all get to "win"?