5 years of engineering school. 10 years of engineering experience. Decent paychecks. Several long and painful relationships involving love. Various physical encounters involving lust. No kids. A few very good friends who put up with me. Many acquaintances who smile only to my face. A cat. A dysfunctional family. More electronics than I know what to do with. Several drug abuse problems. An all or nothing attitude. A lack of confidence and values. A gaming habit. Depression and anxiety. Sexual deviation. Fragmented understanding. Denial of the self.
The cumulative sum of all of my life’s experiences is zero. I’m starting over. I would say it’s terrifying, but it isn’t. It’s something that is happening out of necessity and I trust in that. I suppose I could and should look at it as if the weights have finally been lifted. The largest obstacle in my life has always been me and I have figured out the positive loop that will pull me out of my old habits; to my surprise I held the keys this entire time.
For a long time, I suspected I had no values or convictions, but I have found that the extremes to which my life has taken me has forcibly taught me what is important by living through my mistakes and appreciating the value of correct choices. More importantly choices that are correct to my being. My mental absence has showed me that it can be a powerful tool rather than a means of escape.
I believe the turning point was in my late 20’s when I decided to stop lying. Additionally pairing this with listening to and trusting my instinct. Doing so took less effort than expected and the results were astounding. My conscience was clean but I began becoming restless because the lies which formerly held my life together and gave me a sense of identity were becoming increasingly fragile. Frustration gripped me when the same habits that drove my life were now catastrophically failing me. My truth was at an all-time high, but my life choices did not reflect my personal truth.
I became lost; nothing was real. Everything I knew was a lie fabricated by myself or others, yet I carried through with all the energy I could muster.
I hate people. No, I like people. No, I love people. I love the potential of people. There is amazing talent and capacity for good within us all. I never loved people until I was gripped by waves of empathy stemming from understanding myself. I saw them as negative, or boring, or wasteful, or deceitful. Those same people who have wronged me (in actuality or just in my head) could have been converted if I had only communicated with them to build an understanding for their motivations. Understanding my own truth has naturally eroded hatred of others and replaced it with further truth and understanding.
My truth lies in the human potential for good and living in harmony with others and our environment. We all have natural talents and abilities which should be explored and cultivated to provide value to others and fulfillment to ourselves. Utility can be found everywhere regardless of the way society has evolved. Though humanity cycles through waves of good and evil, I believe overall we are being lifted towards an actualization that cannot be stopped, but is often slowed for vain attempts at self-preservation.
Now knowing these things, I look back at all the unhappy and anxious years and know I could have lived through all of it a much more complete person and yes, even been happy doing so. I do not regret anything, this is the only way my story could have unfolded.
This truth has given me instant courage, direction, and motivation. I am by no means whole, but I am fast evolving knowing how to listen to myself.
This blog will chronicle some of my experiences and the observations I have made along the way. Hopefully I will not get banned for exploring some of my deeper ugliness that I painfully confronted over many years. In addition to dumping ideas on this platform, I hope to revisit the creative writing space as it was something that brought me true joy in the past.
Please let me know what you think. Thanks for reading, my friend.
