Sitting beside my bed, gripping my hand firmly, you perceive my mind grappling with my body's decision to withdraw from life's game. Though my eyes are closed, I feel your determination through your tightly clasped fingers. Tenderness becomes a strength, affirming my will to live through the gentle pressure of your touch. How your hand has grown over the years, from its tiny perfection to this symbol of adult strength: greeting strangers, sealing deals, raising your own children. From that first moment in the dim hospital room, grasping my pinky, it sought connection with me and the world. You needed reassurance then, and you do now.
My dear child, my hand rests peacefully in yours. Let it convey what I can no longer speak: I am prepared, so release me.
"Quitting" once seemed like a harsh word, and I used to think so too. Lying here, I recall urging you not to give up: on school projects, winning over stern teachers, striving in your career and family life. It's no wonder you want me to keep fighting; you're not ready for me to hang up my boots and hear the final whistle.
The doctors speak plainly about their expectations for this last stage. You seem resigned, agreeing with their prognosis; yet, when they leave for the next patient, I feel the pulse of anger in the grip of your hand. It disturbs the peace settling around me, much like the blanket I first wrapped you in, that blessed night we spent together.
Beloved child, gently guide me into this long slumber.
Strength can be a burden sometimes. I sense your head bowed under the weight of this responsibility: to fight for my life. You are a bastion of strength, but emotions threaten to overwhelm you. Let them come; lay down the weight of your strong will and trust that there is no shame in this. It's okay to feel as small as a pebble, buffeted by life's relentless waves; yet even a small stone holds great strength.
If the doctor's words have sparked a fighting spirit within you, they have extinguished my last desires. I am released from the weary expectation to struggle and persevere. My body has long known the comfort of rest, and now my mind can too. As this illness draws to a close, I can finally embrace myself once again, body and mind embracing each other tightly.
Nurses arrive, those gentle attendants with their needles and medicines to ease the passage of my days. Quietly and efficiently, they dismantle the apparatus that has sustained my hold on life. Monitors and machines are disconnected and wheeled away; IV drips pause their steady drops and the beeping fades to silence. Lifelines are pulled back, and I become my own safety net, cradling my life's dreams and memories. Holding them close within me, I am ready to release them.
Somewhere deep within you, I hope a distant memory stirs. Can you recall our first night together? There was so much commotion! Nurses bustling, doctors giving instructions; machines methodically recording vital signs while I struggled to breathe and endured waves of pain. Everything was chaotic, and then you entered this world with a burst of love.
You brought your own noise, of course, roaring in a way that drowned out everything else. I knew then, amidst it all, that I had never heard a more beautiful sound than your first cry. There were other sounds, too: temperatures noted and charted, pens scratching on clipboards; your identification band filled out and the small blue bracelet snapped around your wrist; sheets rustling as they were changed and arranged anew; wheels clicking as we were moved to another ward. Yet, in the tranquility of this moment, what returns to me is the silence we shared while the rest of the world seemed to slumber - those first hours together when it was just us, gazing at each other with eyes filled only with wonder.
Eventually, you closed your eyes and drifted into sleep. I was beyond exhaustion, yet seeing your little chest rise and fall in that familiar, comforting rhythm, I fought off weariness as I held you close. I wished fervently for the night to linger, delaying the moment when we would part for the first time, even if you were just a crib's length away. My resolve held until the night nurse came, chuckling at my valiant struggle to stay awake and keep watch.
"He'll be fine, he knows his mom is right here. Remember, there will be plenty of time for sleep in the nights ahead!"
She was right. When she gently placed you in the crib beside me, you slept soundly without stirring. The last thing I recall before sleep claimed me was stroking your tiny hand with my fingertips, realizing that you knew I was there, just as I knew you were there for me.
Silence envelops us now as it did that night eighty years ago. Back then, yours was the small hand; now, it's mine. Things may seem different, yet nothing truly changes. Our hands will always seek each other across time and space; within the circle of your memories, you will find me, and we will embrace once more.
My beloved child, my hand rests peacefully in yours. Let it convey what I can no longer articulate. Guide me gently into this deep slumber.
I am prepared, and so are you. It's time to let me go.
