"Life. Actions and Impacts" is just a confession of the true feelings of a desperate (and somehow inspired) guy who wants to tell you a history about himself. I can't quite say for now, what my destiny is, otherwise, I'd be spoiling you the story, before even reading it (There are clues, though). However, I'm currently fighting against time, in order to reach this destiny (which is quite unattainable right now, but I fear for my life and safety, if not fulfilled). Only you, can help me reach it and I'll keep trying to get in a more respectable position in the meanwhile (Yes, I have no job. You'll actually get to see why throughout this story). But, let's carry on with the initial messages of the story (Yes, I'll be making this kind of "breaking the 4th wall" comments, I'll try to keep them the less annoying possible). One explanation of why do I do this is this funny image.
so, enjoy!
Feel free to publish your comments and start an open dialogue.
Maybe this words are not powerful to you anymore but; your father loves you and hope you'll have a better life than me.
Where I'm from, people normally gets to write this memoirs to their children, for filial appreciation of the author's choices. Mainly a warning not to follow their footsteps. Here's my letter to them.
My children.
In the spirit of what the internet is, I know my words will be read by you at some point in the future. I'm sure that because of my teachings and the clues about myself in the history, adding two plus two will take you here very quickly. Please don't be disappointed, I do love your mother, but not in the way she would want me to do so. I'm on her side, in spite of my words. If her religious beliefs are so blended in your personality, I know you won't be able to forgive this evil incarnation. But always remember, I'm a part of you, as I am a part of my father. What I did is more honourable than what he did to my mother. Also, bear in mind that you're exposed to the same amount of risk I was to find someone like your mother in this life. Just be smarter than me when you get the signals, OK? Maybe you'll inherit her character and become like her. Please don't repeat her doings when looking for a life partner. We'll give you the freedom to choose (more than she ever did have for herself), therefore, you shouldn't marry for the same reasons she did to me. All love ends and when it does, take your time to duel and let it go. Just like every other person in this planet. I only hope my efforts for you to keep an open mind and always listen to the world do work well. Without further ado, I'll start working on the rest of the story. Maybe this words are not powerful to you anymore but; your father loves you and hope you'll have a better life than me.
I'll be asking for something extra, so you get access to what I wrote over here.
Yes, I'll be asking for something extra, so you get access to what I wrote over here.
Being this the first part of my story, first things first, I have to introduce the main character.
Quite a pathetic guy, but since it is me, I'll try to do so in a merciful, but honest, way. In physical terms, I'm complete (thank God), but quite unattractive with a cucumber long asymmetric face (pointed out to be a trait of untrustworthiness and hypocritical people by some mystics), small eyes (I wear prescription eyeglasses, which makes me look smart, but there is proof of the opposite here and everywhere), a straight, but wide nose, big thick lips and a large pointy chin (class I prognatism). My ears may look at this age as "proportioned" to my face (one is a bit higher than the other, by the way), but, since they'll keep growing forever, I feel quite scared to become just like Prince Charles himself (Sorry Your Royal Highness). Despite I'm almost getting to "the middle of my life" when writing this up, I still have the beard of a grown teenager, and dense, but thin, straight balding black hair (the balding part comes from my father). Quite a hunk, huh? Since I don't go out too often and normally don't have money, Can't really afford a gym, or somewhere where I could workout. The place where I live is quite small and displacing around the place to do something, might be disturbing for my neighbors, so I try not to do too much. Even Winston Smith (my favourite character in literature), felt a lot more free when exercising in his cell. So, in general, I have but a bit of muscle and despite my build, I look "skinny" because of my height (5’11”, quite below average, huh?). Not the result of malnutrition, of course, I eat a varied rich diet with lots of fiber, meat, vegetables and fruit. To most of you, I'm what the system "needs" and uses as its normal workforce.
However, I'm short in energy throughout the day. I have fallen asleep in work situations (meetings and in my place). At the beginning of this story, I can even tell you that; doing what I did to meet her, was really exhausting and I still can't completely get used to a lack of sleep. But this trait of myself doesn't make me a quiet guy, au contraire, my disposition is quite agitated and nervous. I have a serious trend to overthink in all stuff; like a conversation in which I have to convince myself of every single thought. Constantly reaffirming and returning to square one. Losing important chances of life because of this serious issue. I'd wish it was like in books or media, where thoughts are timeless and decisions are relative in time to the ones affected by this imaginary mind, manipulated by the author, for a plot to carry on in terms of an almost "divine" design, invisible, most of the times except for those authors of the 21st century who are always in pursue to sell awareness as something fresh and new. In the end, it all goes around the same entertainment that is making you read this text.
During this time, you may see, my mind goes elsewhere and loves to go around in a wide variety of places. In the quest for silence that one day all will reach. But still, as this wide variety of authors may say (Robert Jordan, one of them), finding silence during life means to control what you do on the outside, I think we all know where this is going in terms of my beliefs, but, I'll wrap it here, so you can know me better in terms of something useful for the plot. But as you may have seen, not that really useful for the system. Which has made me quite bad at my jobs. Of course it is my fault. Also the reason why I'm here telling my story. So basically, I'm quite useless, despite of my little knowledge of things, skills, dreams and my individual desire of become sovereign.
"I just had to overcome my work ailments and maybe everything was going to improve in life (right?)"
I was starting my third most serious job. Carrying a history of past failures and frustrating underpaid jobs, a career change was a good choice all along. I just had to overcome my work ailments and maybe everything was going to improve in life (right?). I got the job thanks to a friend (and boss, after I got in) I met during my post graduate studies. It was an anti-exponential organisation that would be earning a lot of money if it wasn't for a certain degree of negligence that, my boss (We'll call him Jack A) and the CFO (We're calling him Luigi A) were crusading to either eradicate (in the best case), or manage (at the least). Since there I was, starting over, I was going to have a low income job again (But, higher than the ones I'd been earning, though).
"The company's corporate HQ was located in a very meager zone filled with misery, but great potential, depending on your perspective."
The company's corporate HQ was located in a very meager zone filled with misery, but great potential, depending on your perspective. But all major companies have a building there. In spite of this, being "My City", I felt very far away from home. Just getting there usually absorbed my energies for the day. However, today (my first day), I had an energy pump due to increasing nervousness being all over me and in the air around me.
First impressions, as I got in, was that the place seemed quite outdated. Even the green suit that I was wearing (inherited from my uncle, who had lived a great corporate success experience during the 80's), seemed to match with the cubicles and the old carpet styles from the office.
Jack A guided me through the second floor till we reached his place. If I had to describe young Jack's qualities, I'd say that he's faithful as a dog, efficient, and excellent, just like a well-designed, well oiled, analysis machine. A (five years older than me) boss in all his right, with 6 years of experience.
In his early days of work, Luigi discovered him in both's former job at the rival company. After a bittersweet relationship, growing in confidence, he earned Luigi's respect by noticing his hunger to triumph, making him another soldier for the system. A fierce being, pushing forward for results and quite an opponent if you dared to question his logic. A bag full of words backed by fully precise actions. His greatest problem was himself. Being so great, that others could not match his working rhythm. Not a team player and in other words; his philosophy was: "Back off you asshole!, I'll do it myself!".
Afterwards, he introduced me to the team. Their ages and experience were really varied. First, there was a lady in her 40s we're calling Agnes. A Veteran that has always worked in finance areas of the industry. More specifically in costs and derivatives. She collaborated with Luigi at other companies years ago. After leaving the big corporate world, she continued giving advisory to other companies, mainly in costs, till Luigi hired her years later for this particular gig. A woman who was the first to arrive, and the first to go. A badass at work and fierce when standing for her ideas. Also, a big gossip. Her job was the best excuse to go around the different areas of the company, collecting personal information about everything that could be learned from management outside our little world. Acknowledging nepotism, negligence and mediocrity around the place. That skinny woman (mother of four), never liked me completely. There was something in my expression, maybe my anti-social soul, which she found out of place for such a corporate engine. As if she could smell my failures, without even having to read my C.V.
Then, the younger ones. A guy and a girl. We’ll call my bro Virgil VIII, who didn't work as fast as Jack, but can perform and defend his work with humbleness. This two year older than me guy and I have a lot in common except for height, energy and charisma. He's the classic short guy who's loved by all kind of ladies. He knows how to treat them, make them laugh and use his charm to make them do his bidding. Even more, he had the perfect timing in his life to work, go to the gym, and date a numerous amount of women without interfering with other (ahem), social appointments. Strong as a bull, he participated in a quite numerous extra-curricular activities when young; including, but not limited to, dancing, football (both of them, don't make me mention it) and MMA (at the least, those were the ones I noticed). However, in treatment, he was the class clown. He could see the seriousness of any circumstance and then laugh about it as a joke. An important part of his "angel", I guess. Despite of a seemingly unplanned life, he got it all in his hand. Could manage everything, and decided things in a surprisingly cold manner.
"Finally, and somehow my scapegoat for my current situation, was this Goddess..."
Finally, and somehow my scapegoat for my current situation (I'm aware this is all my own fault, don't worry), was this Goddess (of my age, months older than me) who looks like the girls I prefer the most. Despite not being part of a family with known members of this particular "human group", but with all their attributes; Beautiful eyes, straight pointy little nose, little but thick lips, no jowl, straight hair, sculpted torso with a curvy figure and Greek legs. An almost mythological creature with a brilliant mind and blessed with a great amount of emotional intelligence. Shrouded in mystery because of an ability to summon walls.
I remember to have greeted this ethereal incarnation and everyone else around accordingly with our customs when we were first introduced. As that happened, butterflies flew around in my stomach.
Jack took me away to the place they assigned me, two cubicles away. At first I knew little of the people around me and their roles in the organisation, what I nailed was that it wouldn't be too long for them to start bothering me, especially their supervisor. They all were this obscure rude kind of people with absolute mockery on their faces. But that day, I was too focused on my first mission, that I just looked away and continued with my task. I started losing track of the team's actions, or how Luigi constantly urged Jack for me to finish the task. Later in the day Virgil approached me to know if I would honour them with my presence later in the afternoon meal. Invitation that I had to refuse because being in the presence of that Celestial Being made me so nervous. This made me refuse Jack when he invited the team to drink after work for the same reasons (Also, I don't drink, health problems. By the way, my divine woman may can be considered a little Ninkasi). Certainly, I was but a mere ghost who appeared occasionally. If not, Jack would visit me to see how everything was going. But my biggest social sin was not greeting that Heavenly piece of Perfection or any other peer around me. I really got a bad reputation from my silence. And so it was for three days, till this happened:
A couple days later when my low energy started to manifest, and I started to fall asleep, Jack and Luigi agreed that it was not a good idea for me to stay in "enemy territory". You see (Quite an interesting parallel to Smith's history), later, I discovered the people around me, were dedicated to handle the same kind of information with a seemingly better infrastructure and hardware than myself. Allowing themselves to have the "weakest link" of that chain so near, was impossible. So, Agnes and I traded places. The effect of this was to sit next to Jack and right behind my favourite Female Deity. We were all looking at a different corner, so, there was no way we had real visual contact of the other. Except in the mornings.
I was dragged by the arm into the altar to get a warning. And so, Our Lady spoke "Don't you ever use that excuse on me again!”
In the next day my Goddess arrived early. The floor was empty and I sat down in my place. Jack A got into the scene and greeted us, then I did the same (to them), but I added quite discreetly. "Sorry I didn't greet you earlier, you seemed busy", she nodded. As soon as Jack turned his back to me, I was dragged by the arm into the altar to get a warning. And so, Our Lady spoke "Don't you ever use that excuse on me again!” I returned to my place, cold. For some reason, though, I had the notion this message was specially for me (and to others my ethereal Queen wouldn't address like that). And that piece education worked. A couple weeks later, I was fully integrated into them. A thriving ecosystem where I was the most parasitic inhabitant. We would go to eat together in the afternoon. And so, did the personal approach of our lives finally entered its natural flow. The most popular topic amongst the group, was clearly, Virgil's women. He would turn out to be the perfect bachelor (At the least, from the "Daily Life Semiology" point of view). But getting there was hard. He got to know a lot of women, devote some time to them and finally, have a relationship with them, so he could know. His active social life (Dionysian rites) would get him the numbers and he would go into the battlefield like a soldier and fight. Of course, he tried to reach that heavenly figure in the skies. I could even got to conclude him to be a perfect priest of our Lady (due to how much chemistry they had when they were together. And in spite of it, a wall appeared in front of him, avoiding him to move closer from his position in the friendzone). Both of them were quite a duo, though (Jack even described them to be the opossum brothers from "Ice Age"). And now Virgil would surrender the power of his voice to our Lady through his phone, being the goddess in charge of creating new bridges to seek his mission's end.
"At those moments, the object of my adoration usually said things to us about finding love."
At those moments, the object of my adoration usually said things to us about finding love. Phrases like "Please introduce me to someone", and "The others are getting married and I'm here, single", were the most commonly heard. But Virgil and I knew that it wasn't true. The fact is that getting close, and earn the Goddess favour required a divine predisposition to possibility, a long time of devotion with subtle adoration, followed by a sincere heart willing to give itself to pure love and comprehension of those voices from the sky. Only then, the divinity would allow natural subtle forces to perform the transmutation of a mortal's body to become the half of a divine duality. Being the parameters quite hard to achieve, it was the will of that superior force to hold on and wait. That there was no real hurry. Loneliness, Civil State, and so many other factors could be enjoyed, as a lonely life, actually, is more than rewarding, not negative or stigmatizing. But I couldn't resist, to make an attempt to get myself closer. Of course, my bases weren't solid enough. Exclusiveness (not even the kind expressed to me), meant a thing. But, my itch persisted. If I'd accept the deception of a kitsune's loving tenderness, even for a few minutes, why wouldn't I make an effort to reach real happiness by following this heavenly lady? And so, I went on.
My idol's conversational skills were quite impressive. Almost felt as if we did have common tastes, despite those weren't central interests to this beautiful Venus. Whenever we ran out of topics, I would provide more and my immortal belle would listen.
And I felt the Lady's need to be heard. My heart was just moved. My feelings would grow deeper and succumb to divine fervour. Our intimacy grew as I was hearing about an external life going out to a daily routine.
"I was never having a goddess and had to live with it "
But, I knew of a cryptic veil under the statue's face, which would never let me see the whole thing, unless I ascended too. That got my feet back on the ground. Such a universal force had such a universal group of followers. How in the world could I feel chosen if the called ones had such numbers? And communion was interrupted by apps' alerts of "pretty pretty boys...".
And the time of the "two minutes hate" had come to my life. I'd have to despise the, modern era for having us all glued to pocket tele-screen devices, or maybe remote communities (in the little projection I was watching at that point), but it was all my fault. Whom I really hated was myself because I was never having a goddess and had to live with it. I determined to follow this rule, "Not to date people from work", and so, any chance I had, would die. I killed it!
One day, after work, everyone was gone and I was waiting for the traffic to improve. My primordial essence and I were in communion while Luigi was still wrapping things up for the day back in his office. Don't even recall the conversation. Just remember myself listening to the Goddess' words carefully and our eyes meeting. A smile was subtly drawing on that statuesque face, as we were getting relaxed and comfortable. There was a magical sensation of intimacy. I know we both felt it. Then, Luigi appeared. "Hey guys, keep up with the conversation, it seems like you'll get somewhere" he said.
"No, it will get nowhere" I said disdainfully and after a brief silence I just said "Never", in a definitive voice (In my history of messing up I think this one must be in the top five). "OK, See you tomorrow", Luigi replied in an apparently unaltered tone and left. Then, our conversation carried on. Our Lady's smile was fading out and the voice I listened became more unnatural. I knew the end had come in the moment a more serious expression had taken over. We left the company's premises. In the end, we both reached to the same conclusion: "Nothing was there".
In the end, we both reached to the same conclusion: "Nothing was there".
My deity remained available for a fortunate man to earn divine grace and light and, so did the power to ascend. Finally an earthquake in my heart ended with a wall appearing between us. As for me, I had determined that the choice was right; not only because of our social differences, but even more importantly, a general lack of chemistry. Maybe I was the man who would have received, sheltered, and/or kept the words shared by this heavenly vision and, eventually, provided support. But never dared to think I could make my Idol laugh, like Virgil does or getting the admiration my celestial queen started to show to Jack. And soon, a third reason rose from the very shadows of my twisted existence. After a full month, the progress of my first mission was less than half of what was planned and all my team started to notice. So, was the fact that I could never allow any couple of mine see me fail. Despite their sweet support when being down, I'd never allow someone so near to live my sorrows and listen to the rumours about me. It is embarrassing and somehow painful (stupid pride, right?). A pillar of my work ethic ever since.
The divine appearance of this deity (who I'm calling Nin from now on) was; a call, a signal.
It was also time for me to extend my acquaintance circle and get to know more people, expand my horizons. The main problem would be to find someone willing to tolerate me (and vice-versa). By rejecting the Dionysian principles of human interaction, I was even confused with a "fanatic" (you know what kind) by Jack and my Goddess. To me, hanging around and doing nothing wasn't really my style. And I really needed to go out to have a life again. Since my last time at school, there were no workshops, courses, or gym to go. Despite that, time would slip out of my hands. There was no balance in my agenda and now, spending too much time moving to/from work was exterminating my day. I opted to take what seemed like the best choice for me, a world where everybody could be anyone they liked. The divine appearance of this deity (who I'm calling Nin from now on) was; a call, a signal. Inspired by Virgil, a new adventure was starting.
Finally, I'll leave you with this fine piece of music by The Who, expressing my frustration at the time. A personal favourite (not just the song, the whole album). Enjoy and see you soon.
Thanks for your attention. Please don't forget to follow, share and help me. I'll be publishing some pledges for you to know what other things we can do together and fulfill my destiny!
https://Ko-fi.com/myanderelove
https://liberapay.com/myanderelove/
https://www.clica.net/myanderelove
