"Why're you singin' breakup songs? Are you leavin' me?"
"Oh, this 'old' thang?"
"Maybe you mean the new version?"
It is a smokin' song to play, first off. I didn't know at that point quite yet that I was breaking up with you...Know how I know that? We hadn't gotten to Song of Solomon yet. That's when I moved my a$$ to the porch and parked it there, harvester-ant bites that last 10 hours and all. I preferred their venom to your voice.
As Wind In His Hair would say 'Good Trade.'
And I hadn't seen my very first reaction video to 'We Are The World" yet! (Or watched the documentary)
Then I saw 3 of them. Then 10.
WHO...is the huge-schnozzed guy with the fuckin' Voice? Well...they knew...
First time hearing 1/2 a bar of Steve Perry's solo:
First time hearing 'Open Arms':
First time hearing 'Don't Stop Believin''
I ain't alone.
I tried so hard not to sing Journey songs very often. It wasn't easy because of the feeling in my chest and my throat and my head when the skyscraper notes soar and then hold...hold...that's when it happens. The resonance. And I feel like he's inside of me and we share this voice somehow. And it's comforting and it's special and it's ours and no one else has that. And you for fuckin' sure weren't gonna find out about it so I downplayed the shit out of him. You still managed to spaz out over him anyhow one day cuz I listened to 'Lights' twice in your space the previous day, which you encouraged me to do:
"You don't have to turn your music off just because I come out here."
I know you said that just to stalk me for that ammo. It's fine, I liked you spazzing out about him. I liked hearing you say his name over and over as if he's wronged you on some level by existing in my world.
Anywho, once the research began it hasn't stopped. You can't comprehend it because you don't perform music. You don't play music, you don't sing, you don't write, you don't even have good taste in it, just...crickets. And it wasn't an insult, it was an answer.
1.) It's about how I felt, not you - You asked me how it was going listening to/singing/playing music again.
2.) You shouldn't be offended by not being able to comprehend it. There's plenty I'll never comprehend and I'm not bitter about it.
But normal-brained folks don't think everything's about them and I'm dealing with a Sociopathic Narcissist so that was the 'wrong answer.'
I didn't bitch when I quit smoking, didn't even mildly inconvenience you for psychological reasons OR Matt to save him money THAT IS NOT MINE...by quitting cold turkey, unlike your leeching ass. Didn't bitch when my bank account and phone went bye-bye. Didn't bitch quitting the Vuse. Quit first, quit often and quit because God wanted me to. Now I've quit weed, which I don't need anymore. It got me start to finish through your bullshit, alive, somehow. You were the reason I picked up weed every morning. Not general 'anxiety.' You. Every day was Russian Roulette on that porch. Is he in a good mood? Bad mood? Does he like the dog today or hate him? Will he ask me anything today or is it all about him?
Also, I just wanna know, is it more emasculating to have a woman support you financially while you pretend you're a Marvel comic book character or to have another grown man support you financially? I was just curious.
I could be dead. And you wouldn't even have mourned because 'it's in the bible.' So I'm glad I left. It was the best thing I've ever done. Deciding to follow YOU was the biggest mistake of my life. Thank God I got God out of it. That's worth the pain. I wouldn't have done it for ANYONE else. And never will again. I will die at the hands of whatever fate I need to in order to be far away from someone who doesn't understand human emotion. For God's sake, Mike, be tested for Narcissism, you have it. Get help. You're still swinging your stupid, broken dick around like you're King Shit of New Mexico while you dig through the whole house looking for pennies to buy rolling papers that you have to walk to a store to buy because your car has ZERO brakes and you have ZERO dollars. I'd say what you said to me:
'You might be able to find a pimp. You have no friends in this neighborhood'
but I'm not a cunt. It's so sad to me. It'll get sadder as I get healthier, too. I will be ok. I do not worry my salvation. I'm instructed not to worry. Yours is a concern with how you treat people, especially how you treated me.
I was 6 once. Don't think she wasn't invited to the party.
Don't worry. She survived on very little fruit.
All I'm sorry about is that you never noticed that your girlfriend of 4 years fell completely out of love with you, feared you and humored you while she Andy Dufresne'd her way out. Only I didn't have a rock hammer.
Should be receiving my Academy Award this year for Best Actress in a Psychological Thriller
Starved down to 125 and you make comments about me 'being skinny now and finding another guy.' Skinny? You mean malnourished? Starving to death? You ate more than I did. And bitched 5X as much as I ever did about anything. We've been counting bruises on my shoulders and knees from having no muscle in either area for a while. See, I was starving to death and decided to leave you, cuz I couldn't hold it in anymore when you asked me why I wasn't speaking ... and he had all the confidence injected into my veins, painting the inside of my heart. And I'd tested that confidence in song and it proved to be good. So I shot my shot and pierced your black heart for once and for all.
(Accurate body type and all)
That was Sunday night and you wanted to sleep so I got to, peacefully. Had you wanted to stay up and bitch at me like a woman we would have been up all night long. Monday came and went, I knew a plane was leaving and I had a ticket to Paradise. You terrorized me all...day...Monday. I wasn't going to make it 2 more days. Physically I was not going to make it. That night I had to sleep on the couch, startled awake every time I fell asleep. Massive anxiety over having to deal with you, I hadn't eaten since Saturday and now couldn't because I had fear over the plane, your attacks were coming at me, AND I was throwing up over the anxiety. So you underestimate how NO sleep, no food, dry heaves, puking bile every hour, being yelled at for 10+ hrs straight DAILY, losing weight rapidly, sweating profusely, weakened muscles, I felt like my legs were going and they were. And you LAUGHED AT ME as I leaned against a wall asking Matt on Tuesday morning when we could please leave because I was fading and had to get OUT of your physical presence. You asked if I needed an ambulance and ROLLED YOUR EYES.
I felt like this:
the whole time I lived there. With lovely people a couple of miles away that I wasn't allowed to speak to. A roommate who was beginning to worship you that I can't talk to. So I talked to God. A lot. I apologized for not trying to teach you better how to be a decent, loving person. I asked for forgiveness for that. I begged my Father for release from this hell. And He led me out.
You should be embarrassed that you make a person feel like this when they leave your presence:
BY THE GRACE OF GOD I HAVE SURVIVED.
NO ONE can or will take that testimony from me. God gave it to me.
Finding another guy because of my weight.
It's actually not natural to be 6 feet tall and weigh 120 lbs, nor is it healthy, no matter what your waif physique tells you.
God, you're sick.
I don't need to 'find another guy.' He found me.
I can tell you that the break-up songs were never, ever sung for you because it was over between us a long time ago. And every other song I sang was for and because of him.
Like this one: