I don't know how to call it or say it. I'm not doing self-pity or seeing myself as being to be part of something. It's my way of understanding my own worth just by looking at myself in the mirror. When looking I compared myself to others and I thought I'm not good enough. It's not that I'm not proud of myself or anything that some people may think I'm being rude to. I'll forgive them if ever they'll think that way because I can understand them totally. Sorry but it's them who don't understand me since it's not them who experienced having a story of treating myself like this.
This will not be about lying or pretending to myself. It's the fact and I'm not embarrassed about it. Oh, sorry, I don't seek attention here. All I just wish is that people will understand me if I can't tell them personally and instead through writings like this. For sure I will be ashamed later for saying this but I think I'm in the zone to release my emotions.
I can't tell people in their faces how I truly feel. Words are already constructed in my mind but it won't come as if I'm a child who doesn't know how to speak. That's why I love hive more than any other app. I don't have friends or people who know me in person that might tease me after reading my dramas write-up. Yes, hive gives me so much opportunity to express myself through writing because it's like a "my diary" book. Though it's different since I want people to read it and I hope people will understand me even though I'm just a stranger to them. Maybe not just to read but also to share their thoughts about my exaggerated attitude that other people might speculate of it.
I was excited to go when the day was still far from happening. I had so many preparations already and even planned what to do. I won't lie, my heart was raising because of so much joy. I thought it was fine for me to go and join. I thought I had the confidence to face people knowing the differences. Oh, please don't embarrass me more by saying those differences, sorry about that.
Then all of a sudden, I was uneasy if I should go. Am I worthy to experience this? Should I experience this? Should I be happy this much? I continue asking myself if I should have to feel like this. It's not that I don't treat myself as a reward for all the hard work that I just did. I'm rewarding myself but in different ways where being alone and not much treatment like it comes to spoil myself.
I'm thinking of them, many times, by picturing their faces and their looks. My God! My conscience stopped me from being happy that much because of too many reasons. I'm thinking if I should experience it when I have so many things to do and to consider doing later.
I haven't asked myself yet and of course if there will be someone I could ask and just answer it.
Before you answer it, I want you to know what I've been doing here. Did you know that I powered down my HP, right? Yes, because I'm saving money to build my own small convenience store. I finished the training and seminars to be qualified to be onboard a ship. I'm saving money as well to use next in applying for an apprenticeship. I built my small treehouse and all of it is thanks to the hive platform.
Now, if I want to use the extra money just to be happy. Don't you think it's the right thing to do? Will someone think I'm wasting money when I already know I don't have much? Is it okay to spend it considering the things I should prioritize in using that money?
I'm still doubtful about what to do, especially when comparing myself to others. Just like it's okay for them to have fun since they deserve it. I don't know anymore even though I prepared all of it to leave.
Thank you for reading
All content is my own unless otherwise noted
If images are being recycled, I just found it fit in my article.
Paul is the name but prefers to be called mrnightmare that feels like living in the dream. A country boy and a dreamboy (dreamer) who likes to stay in a small village even though it means abandoning the future to become a seaman. The passion is writing but not sailing in the vast ocean. Don't wonder if the face will not be shown, this is better where the words can flow smoothly. Come, you can tell me your stories and I'll tell you mine. Together, let's explore the world by broadening our thoughts. If you need a shoulder I can lean you mine and I hope I can lean yours. The world is fun when living is not being alone but with someone.
