I often heard and read some people's thoughts about facing the problems to make them less painful by the time it passes. Even my friends told me that if I didn't want to feel the pain I should face it and had a self-confrontation about it. I understood them very well through their words but I wasn't if they understood through my feelings.
5 years later I now have a happy lifestyle, a nice job, and a healthy environment. It's a bold decision when I decided to leave my hometown to escape from the pain and disappointment in my life. Fortunately, fate favors me and offers me a good start for me to have a beautiful life. I can eat delicious food, live in a nice house where rain doesn't disturb me when it falls, and have new surroundings that don't give a damn about who I might be.
I thought it would be fine to forget the past, avoid the judgemental eyes and exaggerated gossips of who I am. I thought I could have a happy life where worries of my existence couldn't be found. But all of them were just idle thoughts because the past keeps on haunting me like I'm imprisoned and facing it will make me free from that cell. The time I became was the time I became more guilty of myself for leaving what really happened for my disappearance in our hometown.
"Why did you kill that old man?"
Words that concluded my father after I saw him in front of that dead body of Mr. Agoncillo, who is a rich person in our place. I didn't let my father explain and just assumed he killed it to rob money from that rich person. I was afraid to be suspected as well since we were together at that street selling vegetables. It's just me and my father who crawled out but just to escape the life of poverty. My father hoped to take him out from a life of such poor status was me, his only son. We worked so hard to make sure I finished my studies and because I was determined to have a wonderful life in the future. I left him feeling betrayed by his son.
"I didn't do it, son." - He said to me but it was too late when the Police came and arrested him. I made sure I would be safe from interrogation so I answered the Police I just arrived.
I love my Father but I guess I love myself more for me to do those things towards him. I couldn't forget my father's face when he saw me leaving him. I was embarrassed, no I hate myself for doing that to my father and that's the reason I left and never went back home.
I heard he was released a long time ago because he was innocent when someone stood up to be a witness for his innocence but I didn't know if it's pride or just a stupid me who refused to see my father. Perhaps, part of it that I was afraid of is to avoid the rumors that I sued my father just to make sure I would not be interrogated.
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After 5 years of living a fruitful life, I began to realize my life is empty, and couldn't feel the success of contentment without my father. He was the one who raised me, who gave me hope, who led me to this dream, and most of all he was the one who gave me a life like this. It was his hard work that started to slowly achieve my dreams and this is what I did to him. I came to my senses and I thought it was enough to be hard on my father because he's getting old.
"Father, I'm sorry I'm such a jerk and ungrateful son."
Without hesitation, I decided to see my father by going back to our hometown. The uncomfortable feeling is disturbing me while seeing him outside sitting and looking so lonely. I know I have no right to face him but for me to achieve true happiness is by having someone not to be left behind.
"Son-----"
The expression of my father seeing me made me cry so hard. Despite what I did to him, he was so eager to see me and even misses me this much. I have no words to express the love he's given to me because all I can say is "sorry father."
I nod as I face him that only the tears are visible falling to the ground. I'm so ashamed of myself that my existence in front of him is not needed but I miss my father and this is the reason why I'm doing this.
"Son--," he started talking calmly after he hugged me tightly and sobbed.
"I'm your father. I watched you grow, eat, sleep, and everything that you did. You didn't realize it but I kept watching you because I wanted to make sure you would be fine. It's painful that you left and even doubted me but I understood you completely because you're my son. I knew you were just afraid back then and I forgave you a long time ago."
The words of my father seem not clear to me because I feel sorry for him and am thankful to myself that I have the nicest father. This is what I was waiting for for the long years feeling guilty of myself. It's like redemption to me hearing the words of my father. I'm so happy and I promise myself that I will never leave him again.
"Father--------"
"Son---------"
Indeed true, face your problems to make sure you will not feel any pain.
END….
mrnightmare