It just did not start as my wish or desire. I started loving myself. Each time I look at myself in a mirror, the grace to remember what I looked like was not available. At some point, I started to feel like I am not what my mind thinks of me. Believing in myself is one of the things that I have been struggling with, so much that I started losing faith in my looks. Each time I listened to some motivational speakers, the wheel power of placing oneself higher had quenched.
To worsen the matter, there was this girl I had admired so much. Thoughts about her had enveloped my heart for several weeks but because of what I thought of myself, I couldn't summon enough courage to walk up to her. I already had a picture of her response in my head, so I decided to steer clear of her path.
It had taken so long that I could bear it anymore. One early morning when I reached school, I went to one corner of my class and wrote a love letter to Billy. I carved the best lines from some romantic songs from Celine Dion, Boyz II Men, Mariah Carey, Westlife and so many other musicians that were making sway in the 90s in my letter to Billy.
To hand over the letter to her after I had written it was another problem. I had to face the biggest fear of my life, low esteem. Somehow, the letter got my secret admirer.
The shocking reply I got from Billy sent a chill down my spine. At that age, I did not have enough courage to face the shame that came with rejection from Billy.
Most often, I kept to myself. It was difficult to mingle with my other classmates afterward.
The Awakening
We lived in a riverine area to the east of the Lagos metropolis. The place is known for aquatic activities but until when had that issue, I never took cognizance of it. One weekend, I decided to stroll down to the shores of the river. There, I found a soothing therapy for my depression. Used to feel rejected and not good enough for what other people could get, let alone what I wanted.
The Lagoon had a lot of water hyacinth floating on it. The picture of that water plant does not look appealing but to my amazement, that same plane houses the best aquatic life you can think of. Fishermen set net traps around the water hyacinth and hope for a lofty catch. Though, it is not inviting to your eyes, it had great treasure inside it. I took this thought and placed it in my left hand, promising to see myself as an epitome of great virtues forthwith.
Throughout the weekend, I broke out from my shells and became as lively as I could. My siblings noticed the changes that are taking place in my life and they mentioned it to me. I am glad that nature taught me a lesson that put me on the path of self-discovery. I knew instantly that though Billy may not accept my advances towards her, it felt like it was the wrong choice to have been made by a mere secondary school student who ought to be thinking of how to make headway in life.
On Sunday evening, I ironed my school uniform, giving it the sharpest gators ever. I wanted to look different in school the next day. It was my new way of becoming myself.
The first person I saw in class on Monday morning was Billy, I guess she saw me and looked away immediately. I walked up to her and said:
Good morning, Billy.
She looked up and smiled back at me. I wondered why she smiled as I walked to my seat.
You look so different today.
Billy muttered sharply behind me. At that instance, I smile in my belly, feeling on top of the world.
Many of my classmates that I have not been able to relate with for quite a while we're happy to see me back in shape. From then, I became so friendly to all and sundry. Realizing that I have the power to determine how other people look at or perceive me, my mind set about myself has changed a great deal, thanks to the experience I had with the water hyacinth.