these days,
my anxiety is tangible;
I can hold it.
Not quite “hold,” rather
feel it in my hands.
It’s hard.
& unmanipulateable
— on purpose,
Yet it’s constantly reacting
Improperly,
shifting shape
& slipping through my fingers..
Not “between,”
where the sand slips.
It’s painful,
When I try to control it —
leaves my cuticles
Sliced up
& stingy
&sore
Often bleeding.
My nails are all fukkd up,
Too.
this mAkes me feel
Insecure
So in order to preserve the one virtue
My daddy finds any value in —
“I’m so pretty”
I had to get it Out
my hands.
— but I couldn’t just put it down —
in order to do so I was forced to eat it,
it made my teeth hurt
and I have bad teeth
and have always had bad teeth so it brought up
some pretty painful
childhood memories
of rotten-strawberry-flavored laughing gas
when I tried to bite down — anyways,
I had to swallow it whole &
now it’s stuck in my throat
OUCH —
makes me wanna scream
but since my throat is all
clogged up
I just kinda choke scream internally.
It’s still very hard and definitely fucking up my insides
— not a great situation tbh.
xx monique