I used to think FORGIVENESS felt like something you did like a transaction with a checkbox. "Okay fine," you'd mutter teeth still gritted like "I forgive you" just Like slamming a door shut but leaning your whole weight against it just in case. It took a cold cup of Tea and an unexpected face across a crowded restaurant to show me how utterly wrong I was as I was staring at my acnemesis here she was the person, the one whose words years ago had carved a trench of hurt so deep I’d built walls around it just having thoughts about it as My throat tightened which was My first instinct next was To look away so I can bolt as an old familiar heat rose in my cheeks and a calm voice in my head said do not anger this time, but it was something more like a shame. Shame for still carrying this rock in my chest after all this time.
But this time I didn't run I met her eyes and something shifted this time around as It wasn’t a grand pronouncement No angels sang. Instead, it felt like a slow internal unclenching with a muscle I hadn’t realized was perpetually tensed finally, finally relaxing as the weight of the rock was Still there, but suddenly just a rock and not a monument to my pain, not a weapon just a heavy stone I’d chosen to lug around. That’s the thing about real forgiveness they never tell you it starts as a quiet release within you not a declaration towards them. For years, I’d tied to give forgiveness to the other person but I was waiting for them to apologize properly, as They needed to understand the damage they have done also deserve to do it openly as I held my breath waiting for justice, for vindication for the perfect moment of catharsis and All this while the bitterness was my constant companion souring my own days.
Sitting in that Restaurant and , watching her order her latte, completely unaware of the seismic shift happening ten feet away I understood Forgiveness isn't about them. It's about setting down the burden you've been carrying by admitting and acknowledging the hurt deeply, truly and then consciously deciding that "This pain will no longer be my compass This anger will not dictate my steps."
