Ham Stew (pt 1)

My brother and I sit eyes downcast in anticipation of our predicted forecast for that thing called: family dinner.

Father sits at the head of tha table, though the middle has been removed since the divorce leaving only 4 chairs, making it difficult to be head when only sides remain. Regardless he dominates one regal quarter of the square.

The ham stew sits in a comically large pot in the middle of the slab of old oak, steaming, no, sweating, condensation running down the stinking steel soaking the finish and leaving it's own form of stain.

There is silence.

My brother is the first to speak. Though the younger he has always possessed an idiosyncratically firm form of stubbornness that can manifest as bravery, partly admired and partly drives me crazy.

"Dad we're not eating the ham stew."

Silence grows heavier.

"Dad no-one is eating the ham stew it's not even a thing have you ever heard of ham broth no which is why I suppose you had to make your own evidently by putting a piece of fucking ham in water and applying heat."

Father's brow has shifted. Following my brother's lead I chime in:

"Yeah like you can't put a piece of salmon in water call it salmon stew throw some green onion in there or something and just expect everyone to be down with salmon stew just all of a sudden."

Father's hand has lifted and though he possesses the strength to move dexterously through the salt-water like density of the ensuing lack of voice or noise drowning the room neither I nor my brother's tongues do. He takes a cheap Bic pen from his pocket, walks to his office to grab a piece of blank printer paper, which he spends approximately 12 minutes 32 seconds writing on, stands, takes two and a half steps, and places it in front of me.

"Matthew, I have followed with some interest the sentences you have gurgled out and the responses you have received over the last 16 years. You are obviously a moderately intelligent person but I suspect you have issues with your ability to formulate cogent and intelligent dialogue. Although you may have some good points you will not receive any degree of respect unless you can formulate sentences with correctly spelled words that adjoin into intelligible sentences, interfacing with cogent and associated lines of logic. I do not intend to be rude but would counsel you to spend some time learning proper grammar, sentence structure and basic spelling. As for the stew I have a few basic observations:

1. Fuck you.

2. Your house keeper is supposed to do this shit.

3. I can't eat it either. We will never speak of this again.

Tell your brother we're getting pizza."

We got pizza.