Five Things I Learned (the good and the not-so-good) about Successful Couple Relationships
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What five things make up a good (spousal) relationship, list and explain them.
I must confess before telling you about those five pillars that, in my opinion are vital in the success of a couple relationship, that I am not at all an expert on the subject, rather it is my great subject of “learning” in this life, therefore, my approach will be more about those 5 things that I think I should consider in a future relationship that has a view to be more “stable” or familiar.
The first pillar for me would be “not to assume anything” and always look for spaces of understanding; now I realize that when I was married I tended to assume or expect the other to respond in some way or do something according to those expectations, logical right? ... but it turns out that what I thought was common sense was far from reality, let me give you an example: I like to go out and explore the world, in my country they call that being a “hot foot”, my ex on the other hand, was a hermit... I expected him to invite me out or to be very willing to do so and he on the contrary expected us to plan things at home. We each assumed or expected a reaction from the other and it was difficult to agree.
The second pillar that I think is important is respect and admiration. I think that when in a couple begin to cross the limits of respect some alarms are triggered that can not be ignored, at first everything is beautiful and you see all the good or nice things about the other, but over the years and living together that initial magic is lost and the same day to day can load couples of tension, disagreements and misunderstandings arrive, and if given this scenario you have nothing to admire or value in the other above that circumstance, then it is a non-stop road to failure.
Photos of my parents with me in their arms
Following this order, I would say that the third pillar is precisely understanding and empathy, since when we are in a relationship with another we realize that not everything is rosy and it is far from the “happily ever after” that we were sold at Disney. Life has curves, ups and downs and constant changes, and couples go through many adversities on their way to maturity. Putting ourselves in the other's shoes, constantly practicing empathy and looking for those spaces for negotiation or meeting, as if we were a teammate, can lead us to consolidate a relationship based on communication, respect and understanding.
Mutual support would be for me the fourth pillar, although at this point I think they do not have for me a specific order of priority, I consider them all equally important ... but without digressing from the topic I consider that having someone to support you in your projects and achieve your goals is vital for personal growth and for the couple. I realized after 12 years of marriage that my partner at that time did not accompany me in the same way I did for him, I am not saying that he was absent in everything, but I feel that he definitely could have been more present.
In the case of my parents who have been married for 50 years, I have been able to see how mutual support has always been a fundamental pillar that has sustained them especially in difficult times, and each one from their own spaces supports the other to grow and expand, and they do it from the enjoyment of doing it for the love they feel for each other.
I remember that when I read the book of the 5 love languages, it was a discovery to know that for me it was important those small gestures of affection, an unexpected surprise, a deep conversation, a sincere presence... not to accompany as if it were an obligation but from the genuine desire to be with the other in their achievements... Definitely these aspects oxygenate any relationship and keep alive that emotional and intimate connection that nurtures that special bond.
Finally, although I can think of a lot more behind this list (like sex that I should have mentioned first 😁), I believe that “Creating together” is also an important aspect for couples because it becomes an adventurous energy to design that future in which the sum of 1 + 1 equals 2, so I think we should choose a partner with whom we can be in tune in the common construction of that life together.
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