My soul feels like it is being sucked into a black abyss of nothingness. Letting it overtake me to not feel the emotions caught between each breath. The torture of how much I feel like I am breathtakingly a disappointment to him.
I try to make myself as small as possible until I no longer exist on this plane and can just be nothing. Afraid...no terrified of his rejection. That I am no longer enough to encite the feeling I could before. The lump forming in my throat threatening to steal my breath awake as I hide my tears inside. I can’t let him see the utter despair I feel inside. I have to hide it and pretend everything is fine. As I slowly slip further into the numbness.
If he knows how I feel he will try to protect me and shoulder the blame on himself. After the years of childhood abuse no matter how many times he reassures me it’s not my fault. That I did nothing wrong. I smile and try to pretend I really believe it. Paint my mask on for his sake, and pray it doesn’t crack and all my insecurities come pouring out for him to see. Its always my fault no matter the situation. I’ve been trained all my life to break apart and feel I’m the cause of every problem. That I will never be good enough to truly deserve his love, or anyone’s love for that matter.
I welcome emptiness into me for a moment of reprieve from the guilt of being me. Waiting for the tears to wash away my feeling and cleanse me of it all, as I drift into sleep.
Tomorrow I will awake and put my mask back on and pretend everything is fine. That I’m not breaking to pieces inside every time he looks frustrated.
I’m broken inside and if he ever ceases to love me I know it will be my fault. That would be the day I become absolute nothingness. A mere robot in a human body mechanically going about life’s chores. Never to feel anything again.
These are my dirty secrets hidden deep inside. My little insecurities.
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