UNTIL WHEN I HAVE TO WAIT
Here, under the moonlight. I'm always waiting for him, waiting for him I love. Although it is futile waiting this.
I am a mute. Mute in love. I never expressed my longing for her. Even just the tears that came out of my eyes when I remembered them.
He and I were always together in a friendship. In times of trouble and pleasure. We never separate. Until at one point I had to accept the bitter truth that she had to part from me.
Netherlands. He's in Holland. In a country that makes itself peaceful. Make absolute freedom for himself as a gay. Maybe everyone thinks that I'm a stupid woman who can not find a real man. No! I tell you guys! He's a real man in my eyes. He's a tough guy. She made me feel different.
 Until When Should I Wait
As long as we are friends. I never saw him like his kind. In fact everyone thought of us as lovers. We are friends since we were in high school. Somehow, we're always in the same class at the time of sharing. So that makes us inseparable. I really feel there is love between us. But all that has disappeared since he said about his real life before the day of graduation. My heart hurts. It seems useless to express my love to her,
"La, I'm sorry," she said quietly,
"Sorry why Joe?" I asked,
"Sheila. I'm my gu ... "
"Lo why?"
"I'm gay la."
Hearing his words that my heart seemed slashed. A very well-known Joe as the best-looking guy in school and the cleverest guy turned out to be gay. I was like being stranded.
"Lo kidding?"
"Eng-baseball."
"Impossible. I never see you going out with a guy! "
"Ta-but I've been the same backstreet ..."
"Just the same as Joe?"
"Randy." He replied short and he bowed his head.
Randy? I really do not believe it. Randy is my ex-boyfriend. And he is also gay? What is my fate that loves a gay man? Why?
"Joe! Do not you realize if there's been a girl who really loves you? "I snapped,
"Sorry La. But I'm really happy with this. "
"Lo stupid Joe! Fool! "I snapped again, then I left her.
I'm still struck by Joe's expression. I felt killed at the time. And I want to say that I love him more than my best friend. My mouth was silent by itself. Only tears flow from my eyes.
After graduation, Joe continued his studies to the Netherlands. He just reasoned that there he wanted to study well. But I know the real reason. In order for him to be free to enjoy his illness. Gay disease is very disgusting me.
Although I can not forgive him. I'm still waiting for him. I still remember it. I became stupid for love. But I am dumb with love.
Three years later I received a letter from Joe. A word that he will return to Indonesia a month later. Just in time for Valentine. I just wait patiently. Although my heart is still hurt to accept the fact.
Valentine's Day arrives. Joe's really back. He gave me a gift. He expressed his love for me. She said that she already did not want to have another pair again. But it really baffles me. I was really silent when he said love.
I did accept his love. He's the most beautiful gift on Valentine's Day especially now that he is already much different. He's a Bachelor now. He's a Dutch graduate. He was great because in just three years he was able to pass while I was still waiting for half a year to graduate.
But the happiness did not last long. Once I know that Joe is HIV positive. Is this the reason he is not gay anymore? Again I can not do anything. I want to be angry, but in my heart I still love him.
Whatever Joe's condition I still love him. Until she was completely helpless and just laying on the bed. It's been a week he's been staying in the hospital with increasingly severe conditions.
"Sheila." She said softly,
"Joe? Lo must be strong! "I said,
"When can I go home?"
"Wait for your condition to improve?"
"Yes. I want to get out of the room. I'm bored to sleep on. "
"Okay. I take you to the park, huh? "
"Yeah."
I took Joe to the park to see the sun sink. Actually I'm very sad to see his condition now. He used to be a really strong man and always won in basketball. However, he became weak and helpless.
"Sheila. During the same time lo. I never make you really happy, "he said,
"No. Lo is everything for me. Lo always makes me happy. Try if I'm not happy. I will not love you. "
"Ah lo can be. Oh yes, you have to remember me every malem. Especially when the sun sets. "
"Are you going back to Holland again?"
"No. I want to go back to a really beautiful place. "Then he smiled,
"Do not joke!"
"I'm serious. I'll be quiet there. Especially if you look. "
"Not! Mending I do not see the sun sinking than you left. "
"Sooner or later I'm going to La."
My tears dripped. My heart sank after hearing what Joe said. Should I wait for him again? Until when?
As long as I wipe away my tears, I do not realize that bad things happen to Joe. Instantly the blood from his nose came out just like that. I was very panicked when I saw his face so pale and seemed to hold pain.
"Joe! Lo not in the way? "I asked in a panic,
"Eng-baseball pa-pa kok," he replied softly and he really hold pain,
I took her back to her room. Even though I know a person's HIV-positive blood contains a virus and can threaten me. I'm still willing to remove it,
"Laah! Do not follow my blood. Ntar lo contagious! "Said Joe felt that he was disgusting,
"Not Joe! I do not care until I die does not care either. "
Looks like Joe is really not strong with his condition. I felt that she was in great pain. Then he was unconscious.
Since then, I'm trying to keep Joe. He is precious to me. I do not want to wait for him again. I want to be with her all the time. But fate says something else. There is no power greater than the power of God. On his twenty-second birthday, he's gone for good.
The only tears I can give him. I remembered his smile when he was leaving. A smile of peace on his face. And again I can not do anything. I'm just silent.
This night is getting colder. This cold air pierces my bones with memories of Joe that I have described. Until now I'm still waiting for him. Waiting for a futile thing. Waiting for things that have gone. Eternal love makes me willing to always remember and wait for him. Just one question. How long should I wait?
-The End-
