I’m not sure what’s going on with me right now. But I have been soaking myself in a lot of negative emotions lately. Also, I don’t fear on missing out anymore. In fact, I love and enjoy my time with myself doing the things I like or doing absolutely nothing at all. And I hate myself for that.
It eases my depression at times but when I realize that the world doesn't stop and that I have to make up for the missing times, I just become more depressed. What makes it worse is that I have to come up with a lie so I won't have to say I'm depressed. I didn't sign up to be a compulsive liar but I'm starting to be one lately. Lying is just so much easier than saying "I'm depressed".
I’m aware that I’m trapped in a cycle; In a limbo that I can’t seem to get out off. And while I’ve been dealing with a lot of regret, insecurities are gobbling every part of me as well. I live in a bubble of inaction and thoughts. I’ve been dreaming a lot. I've been staring at the ceiling for God knows how long.
The hardest part is that I can't open up to anyone about this simply because that means drama. I don't like wasting other people's time for drama. I have been called many names but I don't want to be called such an 'actor'.
So far a lot of friends has offered help and it felt good. Made me think "Hey, I still have friends". But that person has done a lot for me already and I don't want to be a bother to anyone. I feel like I should be able to understand myself first before I open up to anyone about this.
Until then, I'll keep to myself. Sorry.
