I required to visit my tailor in London and asked my dear friend Giles if he would accompany me. Giles is a fine fellow despite having a face like a leathery vagina.
We elected to take the overnight sleeper train and travel as usual in first class.
We boarded the train with a minimum of fuss and quickly settled into our cabin. Giles put his bag on the top bunk. Quick as a whip I smacked my cane down onto it.
Giles?
Oh buggers and bollocks old Boomy, you always have to get on top of a fellow don't you!
I gave Giles a rum eye and he quickly moved his stuff to the bottom bunk. I began to unpack my supplies. 6 bags of fine bergamot fizz tobacco and two bottles of Le Mathusalem brandy. That ought to help the journey pass smoothly.
The train gave a jolt and we were off. I climbed to the top bunk.
Giles?
Yes old chap?
If you have to jiggle the mainbrace I would much prefer it if you didnt shout for your mother at the end.
Ah, alright old chap.
That sorted out I closed my eyes and headed off into a deep sleep.
It seemed like only moments before I was rudely awoken by a tannoy announcement that due to leaves on the line the train had stopped and we would have to wait for them to be cleared.
Giles rolled out of his bunk rather grumpily and announced that he was heading to the bar to see if there were any fillies that needed their cylinders cleaning
I took my pipe rather tetchily from my mouth and wished him luck before going back to sleep.
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What the BUGGERING FUCK!!
I roared.
There was a frightful banging on the cabin door. I leapt out of bed. Fortunately, I was fully dressed although a torrid dream involving Lady Darnley, myself and a young bullock meant that my yard-arm jutted out at half hoist.
I grabbed my cane and opened the door. The conductor was there, wringing his cap in his hands.
Milord, Milord. You must help... There's been a most dreadful murder!
What? A bloody what?! A murder?
I gripped him by the lapels and shook him vigorously. He sobbed uncontrollably and gestured down the corridor.
In the toilet Milord. Murder most foul!
Are we moving yet man?
No, there are still leaves on the line, Milord. Please, your, ahem, travelling companion says that if anyone can find out who did it you can.
Hmm. I was normally immune to flattery but I was still groggy from the dream of Lady Darnley cooing in my ear whilst the young bullock nuzzled at my nethers.
Alright man. Assemble the peons in the dining carriage. I will conduct my interviews there.
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I paced up and down the line of fellow travellers on the overnight train. There were only eight of them including the conductor. Pacing beside me was Giles, he was as drunk as a skunk and regaling me with the tale of how he had found the body.
Gads man, I needed the mother of all shits. I literally had a wookies finger poking out of me. Well, the toilet door was bloody jammed so I gave it a good kick, like this. Raaaar!
Giles threw a leg out in a kick and promptly fell to his arse on the floor. He giggled madly.
The door bust open and there he was. Fellow lying on the floor, stabbed to buggery. Blood everywhere. Dead as a lamb in a Welsh brothel.
And what happened then?
I blew a cloud of sweet tobacco smoke accusingly at the suspects lined before us as I helped Giles up from the floor.
A fellow has to go when he has to go old chap. I just had to nudge old stabbed bollocks to the side so I could get in and open the bomb doors!
I nodded. Of course, of course, a gentleman must be free to shit when he pleases. I wandered up and down the assembled suspects. They were a flaccid looking bunch. Not a one with any breeding. That meant they could all have been the bloody murderer. I pointed my cane at a hunched old woman in a nightdress.
Hmm, not her. Too decrepit. I ran a beady eye over the rest. The conductor was twitching nervously.
Ladies, gentlemen. I am tempted to say that it must have been a stranger. Perhaps someone who climbed in a window whilst the train was at a standstill and committed this foul...murder?
I took a couple more paces then theatrically spun on my heel to face the conductor.
YOU! You are the only person with free reign to move about the train as you will. Giles, search him for a knife!
Giles bounded forward and grabbed the conductor, pawing at his pockets like a dog digging for a bone.
Wait, me? Why the heck would I... You can't be serious. I'm innocent by god, I have done nothing, I am only the conductor... What the hell?
Giles pulled a hand triumphantly from the conductor's breast pocket. In his hand was a blood encrusted, ivory handled pocket knife.
Wait, how did that get there? That's not mine? I don't have a knife? I... Urrrrk...
The conductor clutched disbelievingly at his chest where Giles had rammed the knife. He blinked and worked his mouth like a fish attempting fellatio.
I stepped forward and beckoned Giles to hand me the murder weapon. It took a few tugs to get it out. The conductor slumped to the ground. A forlorn sigh hissing out of his mouth.
I addressed the passengers who watched in terrified silence.
Ladies, Gentlemen. Tonight there was a foul murder but thankfully not only did we quickly find the rascal that perpetrated this foul deed. We served justice as only gentlemen can. You may all return to your berths. You can rest easy tonight.
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A policeman arrived shortly after. We shared some brandy and cigars and explained what had happened. He commended me on my detectivity and the Gentleman's Justice we had meted out. If only there were more like you sir! He had cried. The leaves were cleared from the line and the train headed off into the land of the southern dandy.
Finally, we reached our destination. Giles alighted from the train and reached out a hand to take my luggage. As I passed my bag to him my jacket swung open.
Boomy old chap, how on earth did you get all that blood on your shirt?
Blood? Blast, I never even noticed in all the hoohaa old fellow.
I smiled a cold November smile and tugged my jacket closed again.
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Truly it had been a trying day, what better then to look up my fellow steemians in need and lend them some...
Can you believe it? There are none?!?!?!
Perhaps word has spread? Perhaps I have been too kind and there is no longer any angst or anguish on the platform. Yes, that must be it.
Well, remember. If you feel the need, you can find me on the steemit chats. Anonymity is assured, after all...