When I got up this morning I knew something was amiss. The world was quiet. Deathly quiet. A strange glow shone in through the windows. Was this it? Had the Aliens finally come for me? For us?
I dashed to the window. Outside, everything was carpeted in a thick blanket of snow. More of the damned stuff was falling from the sky, like jizzum from a faulty elephants penis.
I woke the good lady.
The snows have came.
Oh no!
She cried. She ran in panic to the windows and flinched at the sight.
I felt her pain, You would think that Scotland being an arctic country would be able to cope with a little snow. Well, you would be mistaken. The slightest dusting of the stuff sends the country into meltdown. Transport ceases. Fights break out in the local shops over the last loaf of bread and people take their lives to avoid the horror of slipping on the road or turning the heating up a couple of degrees.
The only people unaffected by the weather are employers, who still insist on people fighting through mountains of snow to get to work so that they can be told to go home due to adverse weather conditions.
The good lady came downstairs and watched me as I ferreted around in the cupboards.
Do we have enough supplies to last through it?
She asked fearfully.
We can melt the snow, so we have plenty of water. I can make bread as I have sacks of flour in the Garage.
You might have flour but what about yeast? Salt? Don't you need those for bread?
I have Fred over there so no worries on the yeast front.
Fred? Who the fuck is Fred?
My sourdough starter. You know that jar of stuff in the corner that you keep mistaking for Dog vomit?
She made a woman eating sausages cooked in baw-grease* face.
*baw grease - the buildup of fatty smurr on the surface of the testicles after many days of not showering
But salt?
There are many ways a man can salt dough.
I said darkly.
We both looked bleakly at the increasingly heavy snowfall through the window.
When will it clear? Do you think we will make it this time?
Whispered the good lady as she clung to me.
They say it's to last till tomorrow baby...
Outside a child ran past laughing as he pulled along a sled.
I shook my head and closed the blinds whilst hugging her tight.
I just pray we can last that long...
