Eeewowurp eewowurp eewowurp
I stared in perplexelment at my phone which was ringing with the strangest and most unfamiliar ringtone.
What the fuck was wrong with it? Was it the COVID? Was nothing safe from the COVID these days?
I picked it up and noticed a picture of my mate Daz above the answer symbol.
It all clicked into place. This was the ringtone I had set for my close friends.
Since COVID it hadn't rung much as everyone had hunkered down in their bunkers out of fear of the Bat-Flu.
Yo homie? Wha's going on?
I answered in a street drawl as if I were wearing pantaloons that were too short, a T-Shirt that was too big and was standing on a sun-drenched South Central LA street corner.
Hey bitches, how you doing?
My mate Daz's face filled the screen and I realised that it was a video call.
Inwardly I cursed. Didn'y anyone just fucking phone anymore? Were ears alone no longer good enough? Did it always have to be fucking video and the accompanying fear of penile exposure because I am a saucy extrovert and feel pressured to get my lad out when on cam?
I'm cool, man. Just chilling with the family.
I lied convincingly as in the background my children fought and screamed over what to watch on the TV.
Cool cool. Well, never mind the family, mate. It's beer garden day.
Daz's mouth gaped wide in a grin like a rip on the heel of an old sock.
It's what day?
I asked in no little bafflement like a small monkey trying to set fire to a banana to get high.
Daz pulled his head back from his phone then thrust it back up close to the screen with such fervour that I feared he would break right through the glass and tumble into my living room.
Beer garden day!!! BEERS!!! You must have heard? Lockdown is relaxing and pubs can open their beer gardens!! Are you up for it? Come on man. Let's get beered up in the sun!!
He looked at me expectantly.
I tried my best to smile like one of the lads.
Erm. aye, em, eh, bit short notice though. Dunno if I can get away what with the kids and all?
I said trying to stop my voice from raising up into a terrified squeak.
Kids?! Kids?! Fuck them, dude. That's what the wives are for. Come on, it's been ages! Let's tear the roof off the place!
Daz's picture blurred madly and I realised he was jumping up and down with excitement.
Erm, what about the COVID, do we need masks?
I was a bit nervous. I didn't really have a mask and I was stricken by the sudden fear of going out properly as if there wasn't a worldwide pandemic.
Masks? HAHAHAHAHA, how the fuck can you drink through a mask? No mate. No fucking masks, just beer and all that glorious freedom!
Daz threw his head back and shook his hand back and forth at his mouth, enthusiastically imitating guzzling a pint of beer.
It made him look like he was felating a Giraffe.
Come on man, live whilst your alive and all that. See you at the Goose at 3 o'clock?
He looked expectantly at me.
I furrowed my brow then snorted loudly through my nostrils as if I were a bull and the farmer were approaching with the big plastic funnel again.
Aye fuck it, let's do it. See you then.
I cut the call and paused.
Go outside? Mix with normal people, in a bar with no masks?
Now this... This was madness!