That's odd?
I opined with a stroke of the chin like a man eating a watery fish taco.
not the lady kind, for goodness sake keep your mind out of the gutter!
What's odd now?
The Good Lady ploppily spooned some kind of fetid grainy juice from an old clay jug into her glass.
Mmmm, so good. You sure you don't want some?
She waved the jug menacingly in my direction.
I palmed it away with a smile pretending not to be absolutely fucking horrified at the thought of that thick green muck worming its way through my beautiful insides.
Really? Are you sure? It's got pistachio, spinach and flaxseed in it. I think you would love it and it's so good for you!
She raised her glass and chewed another mouthful of her super whatever it was.
The bamboo out the back. The big black bastard. You know, the one I love more than the children?
I frowned as I looked out the window at my big black companion. She was everything I had ever wanted. Strong, slender, black and yet... now, now she was looking a bit bent and yellow.
Something was not right and it wasn't that my Good Lady was chewing on something that looked remarkably similar to horse manure.
I better go out and check on old blackie.
My chair made a noise like a vole farting as I pushed it out to get up.
I'll come with you!
The Good Lady said through green flecked teeth.
We headed out to the bottom of the garden. It was uphill so perhaps I should say the top of the garden but philosophers have been pondering over such things for centuries and I had no interest in joining that fight.
Oh fuck! No? NO! NOOO!!!! Please don't let it be so!?
As we neared the bamboo I began to suspect what might be the problem.
What is it boom-dawgy-dawg?
The Good Lady reached out and pressed a hand on my shoulder as if checking to see if I was medium or medium-rare.
It's... it's... flowered?
I wailed and sunk to my knees on the sweet soft earth.
Is that not a good thing? Flowers? You know...
The Good Lady reached out and stroked one of the yellowing leaves of the bamboo which promptly fell from its stalk and sashayed to the ground.
No. When they flower they produce millions of seeds and then they die. It's the end for them.
I reached out and looked at random ends of each stalk. There were seeds by the hundreds.
I stroked the black canes that had bought me such joy by shielding me from my annoying neighbours.
No more my beauty.
I whispered sadly.
Oh god, it's dying?! That's so sad. Oh no, what with everything that's been going on it's too much.
With a barking sob, the Good Lady turned on her heel and ran back to the house.
I shook my head and threw a sulky stare in her direction. Bloody grief thief. Sighing heavily, I started gathering up as many seeds as I could. This was shit. I had loved my bamboo.
Surely things couldn't get any worse?
Alright mate!
My neighbour, Cheesy Penis popped his head up from over the fence where the luscious green locks of the bamboo had once barricaded them from sight.
I looked up and harrumphed.
For fuck sake.
Maybe I would have to break out the big guns this time...
