Daddy, daddy. Look at me, look at me!!
The Little Boom came running into the garden where I was enjoying some rays contemplating the ineffability of existence.
Whassup dude?
I grunted from my recliney lounger thing that I was spread on like wet fudge.
My tooth!!! Look my tooth!!!
He brandished his hand and on it lay a small white thing sparkling innocently as it's it knew nothing of the horror to come.
Look see!!
The Little Boom grinned madly at me and suddenly it all made sense as I noticed the bloody gap in his front teeth.
Ah! Your front tooth! It's finally came out! Hot dogs man, that's awesome!
I high fived the cheery little bastard and pulled him in for a big hug.
How much will I get for it from the tooth fairy?
I could see him already counting his riches in terms of teeth and chuckled.
I guess we will just have to wait and see eh?
I raised my eyebrow in the mysterious way of parents who try to deflect their children from such nonsense subjects like Santa or Jesus.
Harris in my class got one hundred pounds for his first front tooth!!
The Little Boom beamed at the thought of the tooth fairy leaving him a suitcase of Benjamin's over night in exchange for an old bit of bone.
I beg your pardon!?
I would have staggered back in horror at the idea but I was almost lying down and it's hard to stagger when lying down unless you are an old Irish drunk.
One hundred pounds for his first front tooth!! Isn't that amazing! I hope I get that!
The Little Boom jumped up and down with excitement.
One hundred fucking pounds indeed. Harris's parents were obviously a pair of fucking wankers.
We will see, we will see.
I shoo'd the little guy away and braced myself for the impending disappointment in the morning as he realised that some tooth fairy's aren't as fucking stupid as others.
Some time later a shadow fell over me and I irritably twitched an eye open.
Daddy Bear, the little guy needs help.
It was the Good Lady, she was pushing theLittle Boom forward. No longer was he cheerfully mentally spending a hundred ill-gotten bucks, now he was sobbing his heart out as he clutched at his mouth.
What is it?
I said holding all the what the fucks inside.
Daddy, it's my other toof. I want it out. It hurts!!
The little guy wobbled his remaining front tooth at me which indeed looked to be in a precarious state, swinging back and forth like a cockney lady's ham flaps.
Oh man, it's not got the support of the other tooth. That's a shame little guy but we just have to wait till it's ready to drop. There's nothing we can do.
I made my sympathy face which looks like the same face I use when I feed ducks with illegal bread.
It's really uncomfortable for him. He is a pure state. We need to help him.
The Good Lady pleaded with me as if I were one of those golf carts that wouldn't start when you sat in it and everyone was watching.
Daddy!!! Help! I want it out. TAKE IT OUT!!!
The little guy was winding himself up into a stramash of distress.
Dude, I can't pull your tooth out? I'm not a dentist.
The pair of them started at me with accusing eyes. The weight of their Daddy can fix everything'ness pulling at me.
I'm not a dentist?
I aimed this at the Good Lady with more than a hint of pleading myself.
TAKE IT OUT!
The Little Boom yelled as he wobbled his tooth angrily.
IT HURTS!
Flecks of bloody spit flew forth as he shouted.
Can't you give it a try?
The Good Lady squealed in anguish at the unfolding chaos.
I looked back and forth for an escape route but there was nothing.
I'm not a fucking dentist.
I whimpered as involuntarily I found myself reaching forth to the little guy's mouth with tissue wrapped fingers.
I gave his tooth a wobble. It was spectacularly loose. Surely it would just fall out with the tiniest of tugs?
Are you sure?
I squeaked at them both.
They nodded.
Ok, here goes. It might be a little sore but it will be ok.
I gave the loose tooth a bit of a pull and sure enough it popped out with ease like a mouse's eye in a trap.
There! No bother! We all good?
I looked at the little slightly bloody tooth in my fingers and beamed with pride.
I did it! I was a fucking dentist! I looked at the Little Boom and the Good Lady awaiting my* best dad in the world* accolades.
Then the screaming began.
