What the heck is going on here?!
I boomed sternly from the door of the kid's playhouse in the garden.
The Little Lady stopped smooching her little brother for a second and beamed excitedly at me.
We're smudging, Daddy!
She squeaked, her face red with lack of air from prolonged lippage.
I tried closing my mouth but it insisted on flapping open like an old and worn vagina making me look like a rather exotic type of bottom feeding fish.
You're what? What now? What?
Obviously, the best way to approach seeing my daughter doing a Cersei Lannister was to say the word what repeatedly.
We're smudging!! See?
The Little Lady decided that words were not enough to describe her antics and turned back to the Little Boom and started frantically bumping her lips off his.
He eagerly joined in and bashed his face off her several times whilst making mwah mwah noises.
My eyebrows shot up into the lion-like thicket of hair on the top of my head which wasn't thinning or receding at all. Nope, definitely not.
Um, right. So you are kissing your brother?
My voice warbled slightly and my head bobbed back and forth as if it were doing its best impression of a heron investigating a severed penis discarded by the lake.
No Daddy! Silly Daddy. We are NOT kissing.
The Little Lady stopped the kissing for a moment and attempted to run a hand through her hair which was all mussed up from the kissing.
It looks like kissing?
I raised a hand up and massaged my temples.
I felt slightly faint. She was 7 and he was 2. I mean, for fuck sake. What next? Three-eyed children with feathers running around the place calling me Pop Pop?!
It is NOT KISSING, Daddy. It's smudging.
Smudging?
Yes, smudging.
The Little Lady looked at me as if I were a particularly stupid thing made of feet.
I made to speak but the Little Lady cut me off with an imperious wave of her hand.
You can go now.
She flapped said hand back and forth whilst turning back to her little brother and smudging him.
I backed off and closed the door.
Damn, man. I'll never get the hang of this parenting lark.
