All hands. All hands call. Everyone drop everything. We have an all-hands call... Priority one incident.
The message flashed up on my screen as if it was urgent.
I took a sip of my coffee and absentmindedly leaned over on one bahookie cheek to let a gentle spring breeze seep free.
Boomy? Where are you? We have a Priority One call, get on it... Now!
El-Jefe, even through the medium of typing on a screen, sounded close to angry ejaculation.
I huffed and put down my coffee which I had been quite enjoying. What was the world coming to when a man can't be given peace to drink coffee and fart on the company dime?
I mean, what in hell's barnacles did they think they were paying me for?
The call was a huge one, I could feel Teams straining under the effort of displaying so many avatars and switched off cameras.
El-Jefe was not one for switching off his camera though and appeared on screen in all his wobbling Jabba-like glory. I noted smugly that he had added a new chin to his ever increasing collection.
It was a fine one and no mistake. Just under the beardline, a glistening ham plantain of a thing.
In my head I named it Clarky after a chap that had peed himself on the night bus one time and loudly shouted to all who cared that he was Mad Clarky and he would take us all on. After which he slumped down and fell asleep in his own stinking urine.
Ah, them were the days alright.
Chaps, we have a P1. In Production. Right now. It's action stations. I need to know. What steps are we taking to mitigate?
El-Jefe glared balefully out of the screen at all of the people he could not see.
The Kurgan was the first to answer. He was a Lead Systems Architect, famed for his ability to survive any conflict leaving only screams of anguish in his wake.
Um, the issue, where the customer cannot log in to their account is highly present in the Live environment and is an issue which has presented itself.
He spoke with an air of tragic resignation as if opening mystery box number 3 on Bride or Hide and finding a large goat within.
El-Jefe growled at this like a Hyena with an erection in an Ohio bookshop.
Yes, customers cannot log in to their accounts. What are we doing about it?
He managed to say the words both like a question and a dire threat.
We are redeploying the code from last nights release however we have hit upon a serious issue.
Chimed in Elephant Shoe, a Problem Analyst who had once been witnessed moisturising his happy sacks in the nearby gym's changing room.
We shouldn't judge. However... arent they soft enough? In what leathery balled world would you have to moisturise your ninky nonks?!
Go on.
El-Jefe grunted.
When we run step 5 in the deployment and steps 3 and 4 have not been carried out then step 5 fails.
The Kurgan said with the confidence of a madman.
Yes, it fails. Presumably because we have not run steps 3 and 4?
El-Jefe spoke carefully as if repeating the terms of a home broadband deal that seemed to good to be true.
Precisely!
Trilled The Kurgan.
Then why don't we go back and run the missing steps 3 and 4?
He demanded.
Because step 5 has failed and we are analysing step 5. However even when we attempt to miss out step 5 then Step 6 fails. Should we skip to Step 7??
A bleeping noise sounded from The Kurgan.
Apologies, El-Jefe, I have an urgent call and need to drop.
The Kurgan disappeared from the chat.
El-Jefe groaned like a latex monster from an eighties horror movie.
Boomy, do you have anything to add to this? Can you help?
He tapped this in a snarlingly pleading private message to me if it were I that had personally let all of our good staff leave and replaced them with shonky offshore substitutes.
Yes indeed I can.
I dropped a car crash GIF into our chat and followed it couple of smiley emojis.
There, I pushed myself back on my seat and stood. Time for a shit. This was shaping up to be a good day.
