Pacifically, we need to specify a terms of reference for this board.
Something snapped me out of my zombie trance state which I default to for long video conference calls.
I leaned forward and peered at my laptop.
Sorry. Connection dropped off and I missed that, could you repeat please?
I asked with a dashing casualness as if we were all meeting in the flesh and everyone was breathing in my manly musk.
Buffalo Joe, who had just spoken, nodded generously in acknowledgment.
Of course, yeah. What I was saying was that pacifically we need to specify a terms of reference for this board.
Buffalo Joe repeated his nonsense.
My right eyebrow arched up as if to leap from my brow and start eating a salad.
Pacifically!?!
As in the ocean? What the fuck did he mean? And what the fuck did an ocean have to do with this meeting?
I needed answers and I needed them fast.
So... You say pacifically? What do you mean by that?
I leaned in to my screen so that my face filled all of it and narrowed my eyes.
Well, we have to be very Pacific when we are talking about the terms of reference we are going to define for use in this board?
He raised his voice at the end of his sentence as if he were a young American girl talking to her cat.
Hmm.
I stroked my chin thoughtfully before giving my web cam the iron eye.
So he really wanted us to be Pacific? This was a new one on me.
I supposed I could start putting salt in my bath and stick plastic beads in my hair? Pop a couple of fish in my pockets?
I wasn't sure I had it in me to pull it off successfully.
The thing is mate, I think there is a limit as to just how Pacific I can be?
I held my hands out to the side helplessly.
It's only the bloody start of the meeting. It's simple?? It's just a case of being Pacific, what's not to get!?
Buffalo Joe looked vexed like I had passed him a pineapple lolly instead of a passion-fruit one.
BoomDawg, behave.
My boss, El-Jefe grumbled from his corner of the screen.
I waved a hand reassuringly at him.
Can I just ask one question then?
I smiled the smile I smile when people who aren't smiling need smiling at.
Buffalo Joe nodded grumpily.
Why the Pacific, specifically?
I winked at El-Jefe who looked as if he were about to start running through the streets of Pamplona.
Pacific pacifically? What you on about?
Sneered Buffalo Joe.
He means specific as you very well know. Now can we move on?
El-Jefe grumbled at me as he leaned forward in his chair causing his webcam picture to fray slightly as spacetime buckled around his massive frame.
That's what I said, Pacific?
Buffalo Joe looked strained as if someone had attached his bits to a milking machine and switched it to 40 litres.
Hang on, now I get it. When you say Pacific you mean specific. S'cool, carry on then.
I shuffled my shoulders in a victory dance of understanding.
Buffalo Joe's eyes darted back and forth like little penis fish.
I don't understand. Can someone explain what is going on here?
He cried plaintively.
Joe, when you say specific it sounds like Pacific.
Grunted El-Jefe impatiently.
No it doesn't?
Sputtered Buffalo Joe indignantly.
I leaned forward into my webcam again and spoke reassuringly to Buffalo Joe.
Listen, Joe. It's alright, trust me. My son's 2 and he doesn't speak right either.
I smiled and then waved a hand at the cam.
Anyways, we're way behind let's move on.
Buffalo Joe looked with seething venom at his cam.
Alright then. Whatever. So... Can we be really spacific when it comes to defining our terms of reference..?
He said slowly through gritted teeth.
Spa-cific!?!
I choked off a snort and switched off my cam so he couldn't see me laugh. This was turning out to be a fine day.
A fine day indeed.
